Strong

I'm not strong.

Well, maybe I should rephrase that. I'm not strong enough.

All of this pertains to my last [real] post.

More announcements. Yes, more joy, but also more heartache for me. Why did this have to go wrong for us? Why again?

I feel left out. This is something I want more than anyone can imagine, yet it's something that I can't easily obtain. Especially not something that the majority of my friends have now obtained without issue. But you know what? I wouldn't wish these internal struggles on my worst enemy, let alone a friend.

I've been lapped. Hopefully, I'll catch up soon, but I've been without much hope recently. Really, why should I expect things to go well for us (and easy. My pregnancy with Selah wasn't easy.)? They haven't so far.

But, like I said, I'm not strong enough to handle another announcement by myself, even if I know about it ahead of time.

What does the fox say?

Still doggie paddling, still swimming, barely

Sorry to ignore you guys out there in blogland. I've been dealing with some stuff emotionally that I thought I should keep off of here, but, you know what? This is my space. I'll write about it. Sorry I'm not sorry about this rant.

My husband left for a mission trip to Haiti the day after my latest D&E. It was already planned for him to go so I made the decision for him to still plan on going. He was gone only a week, but still. I needed him. I needed someone and I was left alone. I was left alone with my thoughts, my doubts, my questions, my fears, my pain (physically and emotionally), all of it. It was much tougher than I thought and I really had nobody. Yes. A few friends did make plans for lunch or they sent me a text or two, but I was alone with those dangerous thoughts. I'm not sure how they didn't drive me crazy. 

While he was gone, the moment after I shared with a friend about our loss, she announced that she was pregnant and complained about it. Talk about a slap across the face, especially since she knows my pain and has gone through it before herself. Something else to add to my pain.*

Then another old friend announced she was pregnant on Facebook. Congrats! Really! But do you have to complain every status update about the tiredness and nausea? I would die for it. I wish I was still tired and nauseated due to a baby like I was until days after the surgery.

And this morning. A friend (who may or may not read this. I'm not sure.) posted a somewhat cryptic Facebook status about being at the dr. That plus her incessant Pinterest postings on a board labeled 'baby #2' led me to ask her in a message if she was pregnant. Yup. She is. And I'm so thankful that she just said she was shocked, instead of adding the whole 'we weren't even trying' part I know was there. I even told her that. She knows. She understands. 

All of the recent announcements have put me in a dark place mentally. It has me wondering if I did something wrong. Why can't I have another healthy pregnancy? Am I just being greedy because I DO have Selah? Should I just be happy with what I have and just get over what I have lost? I've lost four babies (that I know of). That's four too many. And how many more will I lose before I get it through my mind? Should I just give up? 

Ugh. I just can't handle anymore pregnancy announcements right now. It's to the point of not RSVPing to a birthday party for a good friend because I'm afraid of another announcement in person, in my face, though I really don't have a reason to think that. Just my fears. 

Speaking of fears, I need to get over the one I have of leaving Selah with a babysitter. I figured out why I have it. I've lost so many babies so far that I'm afraid that if Selah is left with someone who is not me or my husband or someone who loves us and Selah to the moon and back (that's you, mom) that she will be lost as well. I just couldn't handle that. When someone tries to help me by taking her off my hands for a moments by even walking in a different room with her, I have trouble. We did leave her with family while we were in Texas a few months ago briefly to run an errand and my stomach was in my throat the whole time. Never have we been somewhere for fun and relaxation together since she was born. We haven't been on a date, just the two of us, in a year and a half. We need to. I need to get over my fear. I'm working on it. I promise.

Thanks for letting me get stuff off my chest. I've been working through issues within my own head for the past month and I need to voice them even without response. By writing them down, I can start to work them out. Hopefully.

*Don't get me wrong. I am happy and excited for them. Every baby is a miracle. Every baby deserves to be wanted and to be celebrated. Some of my responses are my way of protecting myself.

Day of Hope

Today is a national Day of Hope, a day set aside to celebrate and remember ALL babies, primarily those lost before they could be born. I will always remember my four lost babies, especially when I look into their sister's face. 

But, when I should've lost all hope, I have gained it instead.

"Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."

I'm not strong enough

We will hold you one day

I'm tired of writing posts like these

Tomorrow, I go into surgery. It's another D&E for my 4th miscarriage. 

Currently, I am 9.5 weeks pregnant (was due March 4 [Selah's original due date!]). At ultrasound a few days ago, sack measured 7.5 weeks, but baby only measured 6 weeks. My dates are correct. I am positive. No longer had a heartbeat. This baby failed to continue growing properly. 

Again.

So, yeah. D&E tomorrow. Same deal as November. I'll go into surgery with (misguided) hopes still in mind and I'll wakeup without that hope. 

I'm tired, emotionally and physically, of this. So tired. 

Selah really was my miracle child.