30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 25

I am thankful for the overwhelming love and support during a difficult time. I love you guys.

Anesthesia Dream

Right before the doctor put me under during the surgery on the 23rd (Black Friday), he told me to think of my favorite island. Think about cabana boys and mixed drinks. I laughed and then blacked out.

While I was out, I did dream. I had a dream that I was Black Friday shopping with my wonderful grandfather (the one who died in 2008). Towards the end of the dream (or at least the last thing I remember), I handed him a bundle and said "Happy early Birthday, Pop".

I never saw what was in the bundle, but I think we know.

And I know for a fact that he loves his gift.

Surgery was a success

I feel like a failure. I feel heartbroken. I feel so... Empty.

But I'm alive and I have my wonderful, supportive husband and my sweet, sweet, precious baby girl.

And I just know that, one day, some day (hopefully sooner than later), we'll have our second forever baby.

The day the heart stopped beating

On October 15th, I found out I was pregnant. A definite surprise, but such a welcome one. For a week or two, this was my little secret. God and I shared this secret.

I told Timmy via text message picture of a dinner roll in the oven. A bun in the oven. Our surprise.

I dreamed of how I would share our news with our family and friends we were overjoyed and so in love.

I went to the doctor and was given a due date towards the beginning of June. Bloodwork was drawn and ultrasound appointment was scheduled. I couldn't wait to share my joy.

This week was my appointment. I am(?) 11.5 weeks pregnant. The baby in the ultrasound, the baby in my belly, measured 7.5 weeks... without a heartbeat. Our baby, our joy, our surprise, died within the last few weeks.

Bleeding has started, but a D&E has been scheduled for Friday. What a Black Friday we'll have this year.

Pre-op was done this morning for my 4-5 surgical procedure this year. At least they'll be putting me completely under this time. I couldn't bear to be conscious while my (dead) baby is ripped from my body.

Please pray for us during this time. When I'm ready to talk about this in person, I will.

The surgery will be needed and within the next month or I'll go blind.

I need to see my children grow up so surgery it is.