29 questions

Thanks, Caitlin, for this blog filler!


1. What are you wearing?

Comfortable at home wear aka pjs

2. Ever been in love?

I have

3. Ever had a terrible breakup?

I'm sure I have

4. How tall are you?

5'6-ish

5. How much do you weigh?

Too much

6. Any tattoos?

Nope. Not yet

7.  Any piercings?

Two holes in each ear, though I think they have now closed up. :(

8. Favorite song?

Right now:



9. Quality you’d look for in a partner?

Humor

10.  Favorite quote?

“Though she be but little, she is fierce!”

― William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream

11. Favorite actor?

Oooo. I have a few, but a favorite doesn't come to mind. If he's funny, though, I'm sure I like him.

12. Loud music or soft?

Soft. Unless I am singing along.

13. Where do you go when you’re sad?

Target. But I go there when I'm happy as well, so....

14.  How long does it take for you to get ready in the morning?

It takes me, by myself, a max of 10 min. Thinking about investing more time though.

15. Every been in a physical fight?

Yes. Long story,

16. Turn on?

Ummmm... my mom reads this. Let's just say humor, musical ability and love of children and animals

17.  Turn off?

Disrespect

18.  Fears?

Failure and loneliness

19.  Last thing that made you cry?

A kind lady told me that I was doing a good job with Selah. She is one of the only people to ever do so. Seriously.

20. Last time you said you loved someone?

When T went to bed at 9:30.

21. Meaning behind your YouTube name?

I think it is jemini602 which is Gemini (I am a gemini, obvi)  but with a J because of an OOOOOLD nickname and 602 is my birthday.

22. The relationship between you and the person you last texted?

She is the one who reassures me that I am not insane. Cheers me up when I'm feeling down. Indulges my crazy side.

23. Favorite food?

Suuuuushi and iced coffee

24.  Place you want to visit?

Austin, Australia and the person in #22

25.  Do you have a crush?

We don't keep soda in our house.

26. Last time you kissed someone?

Selah tonight at bedtime.

27. Last time you were insulted?

During coffee this afternoon

28.  Favorite piece of jewelry?

My Tiffany's Cross Necklace that T gave me for our first Christmas married. I almost never take it off.

29. Who should answer these questions next?

You  Answer a question in the comments section, just for fun. Or do a post on your blog and link it up in the comments section for others to find!

Pretty spot on

 I found this article online and I found it hit pretty close to home.


"Losing the Baby: My week of gestational limbo. By Sarah Shemkus

 
"Last month, I decorated a Christmas tree, baked holiday cookies, and wrapped dozens of presents. All the while, I was having a miscarriage.

On TV and in the movies, a miscarriage involves an unsuspecting mother-to-be suddenly clutching her gut, discovering some worrisome blood, and rushing to the hospital. A few hours later she lies wanly in bed while her loved ones whisper that she has “lost the baby.” Parenting websites explain the causes of miscarriage and encourage you to be optimistic about your future chances of conception. They tell you it’s OK to grieve. But like the TV shows that cut quickly from the sudden cramping to the sad, hushed aftermath, they don't tell you anything about what a miscarriage is actually like.

Let me tell you about my miscarriage.

When my pregnancy should have been about nine weeks along, my husband and I headed into the doctor's office for my first ultrasound. It was a Tuesday, Christmas Eve. We were looking forward to seeing an amorphous gray blob on the screen and trying earnestly to see in it our future baby boy or girl; we were eager to hear a heartbeat. But the image that popped up on the monitor was far less encouraging: a dense black patch containing no tiny pulsating heart, no cryptic but exhilarating gray squiggles.

Here’s the primary thing they never tell you about miscarriage: When used by medical professionals, the word refers to the entirety of a nonviable early pregnancy, a period that can span weeks. It starts when cell division in the embryo grinds quietly to a halt; the blood and the passing of tissue that we think of as “a miscarriage” are but the final phase. It is a lingering process. For a full week I was in a sort of gestational limbo, feeling neither pregnant nor truly unpregnant.

This ambiguity left me painfully confused about the most mundane of situations. Hours after the ultrasound disappointment, my sister was ordering sushi for our family and I nearly cried when she asked what I wanted. There was no longer any real need to restrict myself to cucumber rolls and spider maki, but a spicy tuna roll—raw and potentially mercury-laced—just felt inappropriate, callous. Before Christmas dinner the next night I actually did shed tears trying to decide whether a glass of sauvignon blanc would help me relax or, after more than a month of temperance, simply throw my situation into painful relief.

Confusion was just one emotion. There has been the sadness, of course, like a mineshaft boring down behind my ribcage. There have been understandable, if unfounded, pinpricks of guilt as I wonder whether I could have done something differently to stop this from happening. These feelings are well covered by the baby blogs.

There have also, however, been unexpected and pervasive feeling of foolishness, the sense that I was being stupidly naive whenever I daydreamed about my future child. It is almost embarrassing to remember the light-hearted conversations about baby names, the nursery decoration ideas I saved on a secret Pinterest board called “Baby Rooms.” It seems that when I told my best friend, “I’m pregnant!” I already wasn't, not really, and I feel ridiculous and slightly ashamed whenever I think of that cheerful declaration.

At the same time, however, I can't help but wonder if I have grieved enough. On pregnancy websites and discussion boards, I read stories of women who cried for days and mourned for months after their miscarriages. That has not been me. I have cried and might again (a rack of onesies in Target the other day pushed some emotional buttons), but I confess it didn't take me long to begin healing. It took less than a week to start re-adjusting my expectations for the coming months so that they no longer included watching my belly slowly swell and feeling the kick of new life. Today, my lost pregnancy is a bittersweet might-have-been, not a gaping hole.

Occasionally, I even feel a bit relieved, though I know I’m not supposed to admit such a thing. My husband and I dearly wanted this almost-child, but we also worried whether we were ready, financially and emotionally, to expand our family. So, threaded through the heavy curtain of our mourning are a few silver threads of comfort. At least we no longer have to plan an expensive move. At least we’ll have less debt by the next pregnancy.

Among this whole assortment of emotions, however, the most burning feeling was anticipation. I found myself eagerly awaiting the one thing most pregnant women fear: the pain and the blood. I did not get the quick cut to post-miscarriage grieving. I started bleeding ever so slightly on a Thursday, two days after we received the crushing news. From that point on, I made every trip to the bathroom with a vigilant eye, assessing whether there was more blood this time than the last time. Every appointment I put in my calendar for the following week had a mental asterisk next to it: *as long as I am not curled up in bed, wracked with cramps.

Still, I wanted the worst to come. I wanted out of the confounding state of neither-nor, out of knowing the end was inevitable but still carrying within me some genetic fragment of my previous dreams. I wanted something physical and visible to give shape to the formless fog of unhappiness around me, something I could point to and say, “That. That is why, sometimes, out of the blue my hand starts shaking a little and why the tears pop up at the strangest of times.”

On Sunday, the slow trickle of blood escalated into the painful cramping and heavy bleeding that finally ushered the nonviable tissue from my body. I laid on the couch and watched football and crime dramas while my husband fetched pizza and made me hot chocolate. I was quiet and somber, but I did not cry. Over the following days, the bleeding ebbed, though it did not disappear completely for nearly a week. My body was still wrapping things up, putting the final touches on my brief brush with pregnancy.

Exactly one week after that first, sad ultrasound, I called the doctor's office to update her, as instructed, on the progress of my miscarriage. When my doctor was unavailable, the receptionist tried to determine where to route my call.

“Are you pregnant?” she asked.

“No,” I answered. “I am not.”"

While I didn't write the words above, like I said, they were so eerily close to what I have experienced it. Sarah's words were so perfect I wanted to share them with you.

4

Four years! It feels like it was just yesterday.

Best 4 years of my life.

Strong

I'm not strong.

Well, maybe I should rephrase that. I'm not strong enough.

All of this pertains to my last [real] post.

More announcements. Yes, more joy, but also more heartache for me. Why did this have to go wrong for us? Why again?

I feel left out. This is something I want more than anyone can imagine, yet it's something that I can't easily obtain. Especially not something that the majority of my friends have now obtained without issue. But you know what? I wouldn't wish these internal struggles on my worst enemy, let alone a friend.

I've been lapped. Hopefully, I'll catch up soon, but I've been without much hope recently. Really, why should I expect things to go well for us (and easy. My pregnancy with Selah wasn't easy.)? They haven't so far.

But, like I said, I'm not strong enough to handle another announcement by myself, even if I know about it ahead of time.

Be Happy Challenge: My best feature, shown off in a photo

Honestly, I don't know what my best feature is. I also don't think all features can be shown off in a photo.

Still, I'll give it a shot.

 

 

 

Notice a trend*?

*I also noticed that several of my friends and family members do this as well. Strange. ;)

29

Today is my birthday! I like to say that this is my 1st 29th birthday since I may be celebrating my 29th for a few years. ;)

Me through the years (minus those awkward preteen and teen years since I don't have any of those pictures easily accessible):

29 years ago!

We still have this outfit for Selah to wear!

This shot shouldn't surprise anybody.

 

 

Eleven Questions

Well, I saw this on Caitlyn's blog who saw this on Tina’s blog, who saw in on Julie’s blog.  I figured it'd be a good time waster. 

1. In baseball each player gets a “walk up song” that plays on his way up to the plate. What song would you pick?

2. What’s the best thing that happened to you last weekend?

I got to spend time with T. We even went to the farmer's market together.

We also found Metalmorphosis!

3. If you could have a starring role in any film already made, which movie would you pick?

I really don't get/like to watch many movies, sooooo (insert random pick).

Oooo! Wait! I have one! The new Muppet movie! I would LOVE to have a Muppet made to look like me!

4. What actor/actress would you have play you in a movie of your life?

I like how Caitlyn chose her answer (by going to Celebrity Look-a-Like Generator).  So I tried it. I tried it three times. Why so much? Because I kept getting answers like Gary Sinise, Kate Moss and Meryl Streep. Yeah no. I do NOT look like any of them.

However, I think it'd be awesome if Meryl Streep DID play me in a movie. :)

5. What is your favorite quote?

"Though she be but little, she is fierce" 

That quote reminds me of my girl every time I see it.

6. What was your first concert?

My first concert that I remember is Blink-182.

7. What Internet website do you visit the most?

Twittttttttttter (@bethenasia) and Pinterest (http://pinterest.com/bethenasia/)

8. Which of Snow White’s 7 dwarfs describes you the best and why?

Sneezy right now because of all of this pollen. Sleepy (and Dopey) without my fabulous coffee (Let's add Grumpy to my "Without Coffee" list). Happy when I'm with my Selah and T. Doc when I know it all (because, let's be honest, I do). And Bashful.... Ha.

9. If you were on death row, what would your last meal be?

Creme Brulee. Shake Shack's Dapper Dog. Iced Caramel Coffee. Spicy Tuna Roll (whole fish, not paste). Probably something else, but that's what I want right now.

10. What is the background of your computer?

I love these things!

And the eleventh question is… to you!  Answer one of the ten above!

Please and Thank you!

I love me some strings

Fun fact about Beth:

I played two different stringed instruments when I was younger: the viola and the cello. I was first chair cellist (out of minimum of three) before I switched to viola. Never made it above second chair with viola though. I probably could've been better, but I hated practicing.

If I had practiced, I probably still wouldn't have been as awesome as this guy. Watch the video and then check out his youtube page for other songs he has covered.



See? The violin can be fun! Now... perhaps I should start playing the viola or violin we have again....

Yeah. Probably not.

If I were...

If I was a pasta, I'd be bow tie pasta.
If I was a cupcake, I'd be funfetti or lemon... or a mixture: funfetti lemon! (Selah'd be a Key lime cupcake. Right, Mel?)
If I were a band, I'd most likely be Nellie McKay. A little random.
If I had a hammer, I'd know how to use it. And if T had a hammer, he'd use it to pull up weeds.
If I were a dancer, it would be hilarious. I am NOT coordinated enough to dance. ever.
If I had a dog, I would love it and hug it and dress it up in pretty dresses. Done, done, done and done.
If I were a movie, I'd have an awesome ending where the underdog wins and they all live happily ever after.
If I had wings, I would have to buy new shirts.
If I were to meet you on the street, there would probably be some awkward moments, followed by joy and laughter, followed by more awkward moments as I fight staying with you and continuing on my way.

And that's where I am now. Struggling between writing more nonsense and bidding you adieu. Awkwarddddddddd. 

So yeah

When I was 17..

This has been floating out there in blogland for a bit so I decided to fill it out (maybe for the second time, who knows).

When you were 17, tell us what kind of car you drove, where you worked, and what you were usually up to on the weekends?

• I drove a 1990 Jeep Cherokee when I was forced to drive. Hated driving then even more than I dislike it now.

• I worked at Camp Amelia, a day camp and afterschool care, in Fernandina Beach.

• On weekends, I... I don't remember. I know I spent a lot of time with Megin. :)

Show us pictures of you when you were 17.

Sorry, Meg! But don't we look good? ;)

SADD yearbook picture

When you were 17, tell us what you wanted to be when you “grew up.”

• A special education teacher

When you were 17, tell us the kind of boys that you dated. Did you have a type? Do you have a relationship you remember well? Tell us about it.

• Nerds. 
• I actually dated my best friend's older brother. It can make things awkward now, especially since I'm still such close friends with the entire family.

When you were 17, tell us where you pictured your life 10 years from then. Did it turn out the way you expected it to?

• I always saw myself married with children (not the tv show). I had no idea who it would be to or where we would live. I didn't know if I'd be a working mom or a SAHM. I just knew I'd be married with kids.
• Did it turn out the way I expected it to? Sure! I got married when I was 25, had my first baby (SF) when I was 27 and will hopefully have another when I'm 29. :)

30 days of Thankfulness- Day 14

I am thankful for 3 wonderful years married to my awesome husband. I look forward to all that our next year contains. :)

National Diabetes Month

Most people don't know (or don't care) that November is National Diabetes Month, November 14 is World Diabetes Day (and my anniversary!) and November 1st is Type 1 Diabetes Day (my type of diabetes). This month, JDRF is hosting Be T1D for a Day*.

Personally, I think everyone should sign up for it. Even I plan on signing up and I already live with type 1 every day. You will receive (up to) 24 texts within 24 hours to simulate what it's like to live with type 1 diabetes. The texts will include (simulated) blood sugar testing, giving insulin and diet related choices.

This will give you a glimpse into what I have to deal with EVERY DAY. If the texts annoy you, just think about everyone with type 1 who can't 'silence' their diabetes without major complications (which may include death). Type 2 and gestational diabetes do not compare to type 1. Give it a try and see how you feel and, when you do, multiply your feelings by 1440 (minutes in a day).  When you get that overwhelming feeling, multiply it by 365 (days in the year). Then realize that it is like that every single day for us until there is a cure.

And Insulin isn't a cure.


*Free. Texting fees may apply if that's how your cell plan works.

Embrace the camera

I've never joined Emily at The Anderson Crew for Embrace The Camera before, but I thought it was time and I'll continue doing it whenever I have pictures. :)

Trick or Treat!

Blogger 411! link up with From Mrs to Mama

1. How long have you been blogging? And what got you started on blogging? Has your blog changed?

May 12, 2009. I was looking for wedding on a budget tips and ideas and kept finding blogs and figured I could do that too! Now, three years later, I've written more regularly (until recently) about my life, my married life and my life as a mother.

2. Did you go to college? If so where, and what did you study?

I did. I went to the University of North Florida in Jacksonville, FL. I changed my major WAY too many times. Special education -> Early Childhood Education -> Education -> English -> Fine Arts

3. Where have you traveled?

Several place in the south part of the US and a handful in the northern part with no desire to go back to anywhere up north with the exception of NY. I've also been to Germany and France and the Bahamas.

4. If you won the lottery, what would be the first thing you would buy?

 A SUV.

5. What are your 3 biggest pet peeves?

People who don't listen, Drivers who drive slow in the fast lane and Repeating myself

6. What is your favorite movie?

I don't know anymore. I really like Beauty and the Beast, Breakfast at Tiffanys and League of Their Own

7. What is your drink of choice; wine, beer, or liquor. Or Water, Soda, Tea?

Alcoholic: Champagne/bubbly wine, Non-alcoholic: Iced caramel coffee

8. What is something you enjoy to do when you have me time?

When I have what?
Browse?

9. If you could have a $10,000 shopping spree to one store, which store would it be?

Target

10. Share with us an embarrassing moment of your past? Or present.

My life is full of embarrassing times, but I choose not to let them stick with me too much, to the point that I can’t think of anything off the top of my head.

11. What day would you love to relive again?

May 30, 2008

12. If your life was turned into a movie... what actor would play you?
Helen Mirran. My life story will end when I am much, much older.

13. What are the jobs you had in high school/college/the early years?

A camp counselor, A coldstone creamery manager, Website designer

14. Show us a picture from high school or college.

15. If you could travel anywhere in the world, all expenses paid, where would you go?

Europe. I’d like to go to Paris again and I’d like to see England. Perhaps some of the other countries there, but England and France are my two biggies.

16. Show us the most current picture of you or you, or your family, or anything of meaning to you.

4th of July with my girl

17. Where do you see your life 5 years from now?

The snapshot in my head is of me, T and our two beautiful children. :)

Break the ice with an amusing video and then deliver news you may not like

Watch:



Then read:

I'm 90% sure I'll be going semi-private on this blog sometime in the near future. Let me know if you want to be on the exclusive list of future readers in the comments or email me. But let me be honest. I may or may not let you. My hiatus from blogging is not due to being busy with Selah. It's due to not being able (or allowed, really) to write about what is on my mind and bothering me.

If I do go semi-private, it won't be permanent... hopefully. It'll just be until certain people and things resolve themselves and until people come to ME and ask ME how I am, instead of consulting this blog exclusively.

Struggling, but I must write this

Recent events combined with the fact that my eye is much, much worse than when I wrote this is making me just want to cry. And cry, I did. The husband doesn't understand. Other people can't understand. This means more to me than most will understand.

The eye is completely blurry now. I can't even see the computer screen with it, just the light from the monitor. Nighttime vision in the eye is horrible. Without a bright flashlight at night, I can't even go to my daughter's side to help her. I'm constantly dizzy from the uneven vision. I constantly have a headache from it, too. My favorite hobbies, reading and art, have been taken away without the vision. I have a doctor's appointment next week to see if the more serious surgery will help. Hopefully it will.

I'm losing hope. :(

What makes you uniquely you?

Most of my 'unique' personality traits are something that someone else in the world may have, just maybe not the full list.

A list of things that, combined, make me uniquely me:

• Female
• married
• Two mutt-type dogs: Isabella Chacharita (aka Izzie), a 5 year old yorkie-chihuahua mix and Shizelle Noelle (aka Ellie), a 1 year old Australian Shepard-black lab mix
• Type 1 Diabetic for 15 years today (post on that to come later). Only type 1 in my family.
  
• Lover of books
• Sarcastic sense of humor
• Used to meditate in 7th grade homeroom with my good friend, Airhead :)
• Youngest child, with two real brothers, two step-sisters and one step-brother. Plus my many wonderful sisters-in-law (from my marriage and my brother's marriages) and my sisters from another mister and brothers from another mother.
• I have the CUTEST nieces and nephew. Ever. No competition. At all.
• I want to adopt someday and cannot wait for that day to arrive. Sure, I hope to have my own as well, but adopting? That's something I've always wanted to do, from the time I was a little girl, playing with my barbies.
• I can play the viola and cello, but not a guitar or piano.
• I taught myself how to sew.
• I once had a couple of photographs I took in a juried art show.

I'm done making this list, but I know there are tons more that I didn't mention. If you know me in real life, what do you think I left off? What do you think makes me unique?