Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I always said I'd give my right eye to be a mother...

... And I may have.

The night before my scheduled C Section, a blood vessel in my right eye burst. The stress of pregnancy on my type 1 diabetic body was almost too much. It quickly (and by quickly, I mean quickly. It wasn't even there at an eye appointment in September) progressed diabetic retinopathy in my eyes. The retinopathy caused a blood vessel to burst. Retinopathy that shouldn't have happened since I spent my pregnancy with my A1Cs between %.8 and 6.5. I've spent my daughter's entire life without the ability to see her clearly (or even close to it) out of my right eye.

On  March 22nd, I had a procedure involving lasers done to my eye to hopefully fix a good bit of the problem. Thousands of shots from the laser to my eye later, I have lost peripheral in my right eye. I can see light and color, but I can hardly make out specific shapes (One of the reasons I haven't been blogging much recently). Some days are better than others and things are clearer, but it may possibly be permanent. It may get worse. I may go blind sooner than later.

It may make it where I am unable to have more children, due to possible worsening of the condition of my eyes. Children that I want to fill my house with. Sibling(s) for Selah. Children that are in my heart and I'm desperate to someday have in my arms. I pray to God regularly to heal my eyes. I pray to God that I can someday have another child. I even pray to Him using the names we've already picked for #2. I know that He has His plans, but I desperately hope that those plans include baby ES or JD. I was meant to be a mother and I have oh so much more room in my heart for the children yet to be.

But, you know what? If Selah is the only child for me, I would be eternally grateful for that. I'd give my right eye for her over and over if it meant she would be in my life.


  1. Aww Beth, I wish I could take away the pain and help you to see your daughter clearly. We will be praying avidly for you also. I am sure that more kiddos are in your future, however it happens!

  2. Oh Beth! You are such an inspring mother already - even to those of us a little farther down this motherhood road! I will pray for you and Timmy and Selah and that God will continue to work in you all and that His healing hand will be on you as well!