Thursday, December 29, 2011

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

28/29 weeks

How Far Along? This update will cover 28/29 weeks, even though I'm actually closer to 30/31
Picture? I'm not sure how I don't have any pictures from Christmas on my phone. I'll ask around.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Doc said I can still gain plenty.
Size of baby:  Iceberg lettuce/cabbage
Maternity Clothes: Yup.
Gender: Girl, girl, girly girl
Movement: Often
Sleep: Charley horses have been waking me up too often.
What I miss: Feet that don't swell. And coffee. We got a Keurig for Christmas and I can't wait to try all of the flavors.
Cravings: Raw Veggies and ranch.
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick? Coughing, dog food, cooking meat. The usual.
Belly Button In or Out: Shallowing
Happy or Moody Most of the Time?  Easily moody
Stretch Marks? Only the old ones
Other Symptoms: Swelling of the feet, back pain and Charley horses
Have You Started to Show Yet? I still think I just look fat, but others say I look pregnant. I disagree.
Best Moment of the Week? Getting a C Section date. My little Snow Flake will be here on (or before) March 6th (The most awesome date ever. Right, Megin?)
Looking Forward To: My very first baby shower this weekend

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

50 rules for Dads of Daughters

Note: Found multiple places on the web. I'm not sure who the original person was, but, if you know, tell me. I'm more than happy to give credit.

As you know, we are expecting a daughter, SFM, in a couple(!) short months. I think the Timmy should heed this list. :)

1. Love her mom. Treat her mother with respect, honor, and a big heaping spoonful of public displays of affection. When she grows up, the odds are good she’ll fall in love with and marry someone who treats her much like you treated her mother. Good or bad, that’s just the way it is. I’d prefer good.

2. Always be there. Quality time doesn’t happen without quantity time. Hang out together for no other reason than just to be in each other’s presence. Be genuinely interested in the things that interest her. She needs her dad to be involved in her life at every stage. Don’t just sit idly by while she add years to her… add life to her years.

3. Save the day. She’ll grow up looking for a hero. It might as well be you. She’ll need you to come through for her over and over again throughout her life. Rise to the occasion. Red cape and blue tights optional.

4. Savor every moment you have together. Today she’s crawling around the house in diapers, tomorrow you’re handing her the keys to the car, and before you know it, you’re walking her down the aisle. Some day soon, hanging out with her old man won’t be the bees knees anymore. Life happens pretty fast. You better cherish it while you can.

5. Pray for her. Regularly. Passionately. Continually.

6. Buy her a glove and teach her to throw a baseball. Make her proud to throw like a girl… a girl with a wicked slider.

7. She will fight with her mother. Choose sides wisely.

8. Go ahead. Buy her those pearls.

9. Of course you look silly playing peek-a-boo. You should play anyway.

10. Enjoy the wonder of bath time.

11. There will come a day when she asks for a puppy. Don’t over think it. At least one time in her life, just say, “Yes.”

12. It’s never too early to start teaching her about money. She will still probably suck you dry as a teenager… and on her wedding day.

13. Make pancakes in the shape of her age for breakfast on her birthday. In a pinch, donuts with pink sprinkles and a candle will suffice.

14. Buy her a pair of Chucks as soon as she starts walking. She won’t always want to wear matching shoes with her old man.

Photo Credit :: Danielle Rocke Toews
15. Dance with her. Start when she’s a little girl or even when she’s a baby. Don’t wait ‘til her wedding day.

16. Take her fishing. She will probably squirm more than the worm on your hook. That’s OK.

17. Learn to say no. She may pitch a fit today, but someday you’ll both be glad you stuck to your guns.

18. Tell her she’s beautiful. Say it over and over again. Someday an animated movie or “beauty” magazine will try to convince her otherwise.

19. Teach her to change a flat. A tire without air need not be a major panic inducing event in her life. She’ll still call you crying the first time it happens.

20. Take her camping. Immerse her in the great outdoors. Watch her eyes fill with wonder the first time she sees the beauty of wide open spaces. Leave the iPod at home.

21. Let her hold the wheel. She will always remember when daddy let her drive.

22. She’s as smart as any boy. Make sure she knows that.

23. When she learns to give kisses, she will want to plant them all over your face. Encourage this practice.

24. Knowing how to eat sunflower seeds correctly will not help her get into a good college. Teach her anyway.

25. Letting her ride on your shoulders is pure magic. Do it now while you have a strong back and she’s still tiny.

26. It is in her nature to make music. It’s up to you to introduce her to the joy of socks on a wooden floor.

27. If there’s a splash park near your home, take her there often. She will be drawn to the water like a duck to a puddle.

28. She will eagerly await your return home from work in the evenings. Don’t be late.

29. If her mom enrolls her in swim lessons, make sure you get in the pool too. Don’t be intimidated if there are no other dads there. It’s their loss.

30. Never miss her birthday. In ten years she won’t remember the present you gave her. She will remember if you weren’t there.

31. Teach her to roller skate. Watch her confidence soar.

32. Let her roll around in the grass. It’s good for her soul. It’s not bad for yours either.

33. Take her swimsuit shopping. Don’t be afraid to veto some of her choices, but resist the urge to buy her full-body beach pajamas.

34. Somewhere between the time she turns three and her sixth birthday, the odds are good that she will ask you to marry her. Let her down gently.

35. She’ll probably want to crawl in bed with you after a nightmare. This is a good thing.

36. Few things in life are more comforting to a crying little girl than her father’s hand. Never forget this.

37. Introduce her to the swings at your local park. She’ll squeal for you to push her higher and faster. Her definition of “higher and faster” is probably not the same as yours. Keep that in mind.

38. When she’s a bit older, your definition of higher and faster will be a lot closer to hers. When that day comes, go ahead… give it all you’ve got.

39. Holding her upside down by the legs while she giggles and screams uncontrollably is great for your biceps. WARNING: She has no concept of muscle fatigue.

40. She might ask you to buy her a pony on her birthday. Unless you live on a farm, do not buy her a pony on her birthday. It’s OK to rent one though.

41. Take it easy on the presents for her birthday and Christmas. Instead, give her the gift of experiences you can share together.

42. Let her know she can always come home. No matter what.

43. Remember, just like a butterfly, she too will spread her wings and fly some day. Enjoy her caterpillar years.

44. Write her a handwritten letter every year on her birthday. Give them to her when she goes off to college, becomes a mother herself, or when you think she needs them most.

45. Learn to trust her. Gradually give her more freedom as she gets older. She will rise to the expectations you set for her.

46. When in doubt, trust your heart. She already does.

47. When your teenage daughter is upset, learning when to engage and when to back off will add years to YOUR life. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

48. Ice cream covers over a multitude of sins. Know her favorite flavor.

49. This day is coming soon. There’s nothing you can do to be ready for it. The sooner you accept this fact, the easier it will be.

50. Today she’s walking down the driveway to get on the school bus. Tomorrow she’s going off to college. Don’t blink

Friday, December 16, 2011

27 Weeks

How Far Along? 27-ish weeks
Picture? I'm sure a picture will be taken tomorrow evening
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Doc said I can still gain plenty.
Size of baby:  Cauliflower
Maternity Clothes: Yup.
Gender: Two X chromosomes
Movement: Often
Sleep: I like to sleep in the early morning hours, but before then is tough.
What I miss: Pants that fit well.
Cravings: A subway sub. Still haven't got one.
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick? I threw up in my nose the other evening (kinda like throwing up in your mouth a little, but it bypassed my mouth and went into my nose). Dang! That hurt! It didn't make it any better that I had eaten hot fries for lunch. Afterwards, I kept blowing my nose and each time gave me a bloody nose. I was a mess.
Belly Button In or Out: Shallowing
Happy or Moody Most of the Time? Most of the time
Stretch Marks? Only the old ones
Other Symptoms: Still that rotten foot and back pain
Have You Started to Show Yet? I still think I just look fat. :(
Best Moment of the Week? I think she had the hiccups the other day. I kept feeling the same feeling in the same spot multiple times  in a row. But I'm still a little dense as to what they actually feel like...
Looking Forward To: Our cookie party tomorrow night.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Birthday wishes!

Today is my WONDERFUL sister(in-law) Teresa's birthday. Head over to her blog and wish her a happy birthday!

As for me, T and Sassy (Hey, that rhymed!), we wish you a very spectacular birthday!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

26 weeks

How Far Along? 26-ish weeks
Picture? Not this we so far. A cold has attacked. Again.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Doc said I can still gain plenty.
Size of baby:  Cantaloupe
Maternity Clothes: Yup.
Gender: Pink!
Movement: Even as we speak (type?)
Sleep: Multiple wake ups every night. Not to pee, but because I am too hot.
What I miss: Breathing out of my nose. Stupid cold.
Cravings: A subway sub. Still haven't got one.
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick? Coughing.
Belly Button In or Out: In, but I can feel that it is becoming more shallow
Happy or Moody Most of the Time? Most of the time
Stretch Marks? Only the old ones
Other Symptoms: The only symptoms I feel this week are cold symptoms.
Have You Started to Show Yet? My mom said she could tell, but I don't know. I suppose. I still just feel like I look fat.
Best Moment of the Week? Putting up our Christmas tree with the ornament we got for Sassy (my newest nickname for her).
Looking Forward To: breathing.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

One year later

A year ago, I was pregnant. A year ago, I started bleeding heavily in the shower. A year ago, I went to the ER. A year ago, I lost my baby.

The past year has not been easy. Reminders of what could have been mixed with the reality of what was. Holidays where I should have been __ weeks pregnant passed without a child inside. Then July hit. The month I was due to have the child that wasn't to be. The month I found out that I was pregnant with this child, this girl, that WILL be (God willing).

That made it.... different. Not easier. Not harder. Just different. I was still missing and grieving the lost baby, but I was also celebrating the new life within me. I was cautiously celebrating this new journey I was embarking on. I was afraid that it would all end at any moment (and I still am). A friend called me Momma-to-be the other day and quickly changed it to Momma because, in her words, I am already a mother. I told her that Momma-to-be was a better title. I'm not comfortable being called Momma just because a baby should be in my arms in three months because I know. I know how quickly that can end and I'm afraid. I have a hard time acting excited about this pregnancy and SF, but I am. I am so so excited. This is my daughter and will be no matter what, but I'm afraid of the worst case scenario happening. How could I not be? It's happened before.

So, when you see me in person and you ask about how things are going, my nonchalant answer is just covering the fear I have inside. When you ask my opinion about shower things, know that I am so grateful and so excited about getting one, but I'm still afraid that there will end up not being a need for one. I'm afraid to tell too many details, in case I have to take them all back when things end poorly.

But I am trying. I am trying to keep a positive mind about all of this that is happening this year and not dwell too much on the loss from last year. I am trying.

You know what helps? When you get excited for me and with me. When you ask me questions and give me advice. When you acknowledge SF is a real (little) person.

Because your excitement is contagious to me. :)

Friday, December 2, 2011

25 weeks

How Far Along? 25-ish weeks
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Back down to pre-pregnancy weight... even after Thanksgiving... I'm going to work on eating more.
Size of baby:  Spaghetti Squash
Maternity Clothes: Yup.
Gender: Pink!
Movement: She may be a gymnast.
Sleep: Multiple wake ups every night. Not to pee, but because I am too hot.
What I miss: Coffee, sushi and beer/wine
Cravings: This week's big craving has been pound cake and a subway sub
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick? Meat cooking... still. And dog food. I gag every morning when I fill the dog bowl. Yuck.
Belly Button In or Out: In
Happy or Moody Most of the Time? Most of the time
Stretch Marks? Only the old ones
Other Symptoms: That foot pain and crazy insulin resistance
Have You Started to Show Yet? If I wear certain clothes
Best Moment of the Week? Baby goodies in the mail
Looking Forward To: Muppet movie matinee tomorrow and a Mediterranean dinner with friends.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

A Prayer for my Daughter by Tina Fey

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches. May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty. When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer. Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age. Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit. May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers. Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait. O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed. And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it. And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes. Amen.” -Tina Fey 

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

24 weeks

How Far Along? 24-ish weeks VIABILITY WEEK! If SF was born now, she'd have a chance of survival (even if it is a teeny tiny one).
Picture? I'll post pictures from Thanksgiving later for this week's picture
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Doc says 3
Size of baby:  Ear of corn.... yuck
Maternity Clothes: Yup.
Gender: Pink!
Movement: love it.
Sleep: Rough at night, but so so nice from 5-9 in the morning. :)
What I miss: Pants that fit. I'm tired of having to constantly pull my maternity pants up and the next size down is way too small. I need maternity pants with belt loops.
Cravings: Thanksgiving
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick? Meat cooking... still. And dog food. I gag every morning when I fill the dog bowl. Yuck.
Belly Button In or Out: In
Happy or Moody Most of the Time? Sassafras
Stretch Marks? Only the old ones
Other Symptoms: Foot pain that the doctor says may very well be heel spurs. :(
Have You Started to Show Yet? If I wear certain clothes
Best Moment of the Week? San Francisco kicking the doctor's Doppler at our appointment. Not one, not twice, but 4 times. Direct kick. HI-ya!
Looking Forward To: Thanksgiving and seeing my adorable little niece who isn't so little anymore.

Monday, November 21, 2011


At our church recently, we've been trying to make a difference. Whether it's meals for the hungry or shoe boxes to make a child across the world's Christmas, we've been doing whatever we can.

Here's what our pastor said about this on his blog:

The people of Good Shepherd are pretty good with goals.

Last year, for example, we wanted to raise $150,000 for the International Justice Mission and its ministry of freedom from sexual slavery. The people of the church gave $207,000.
Then on October 30, we hoped to pack 150,000 meals with Stop Hunger Now and its mission of famine relief in Uganda. The people of the church instead packed 193,000.

So yesterday, we hoped to receive 1,000 shoe boxes filled with Christmas gifts and gospel literature for use by our friends at Operation Christmas Child.

Instead, we received 1,200. And counting. If you'd like to be part of what God is doing, you can bring a box by Good Shepherd by 5:00 p.m. Monday.

GSUMC, you rock. :)

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I'm so ready for Christmas!

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Both! But I do drink Hot Chocolate year round...

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? When I was younger, Santa  just left them unwrapped. I'm not sure what Santa will do with San Francisco.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? I love white lights. They look so clean and crisp.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? We considered it last year, but couldn't find any.

5. When do you put your decorations up? My family's rule was no Christmas until Thanksgiving was over.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Almost anything made for our family reunion/Christmas party on the 23rd.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Stockings! I loved getting a stocking (and I still do!). 
And our family tradition of trying to be the first one to say "Christmas Gift" to someone on Christmas morning. Apparently the first one to say it, got an extra gift. (I think it goes back to the days of slavery.)

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? Truth? What truth? Are you talking about that silly rumor about his existence? Baloney!

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? No. That'd be wrong. My family tried it one year and it's just wrong!

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Ummm... Tree up, tree skirt, lights on, Any garland (or tinsel... yuck.), then ornaments. Balls usually go one first, evenly, with the larger towards the bottom. then ornaments, with the favorites at more of an eye level. Angel on very last.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?  Eh. It's so novel to me that it can be exciting for, like, 5 minutes then I realize how cold it is. Brr!

12. Can you ice skate? No.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? I know this will sound lame, but being around my family has always been the best gift to me.

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Family and the 23rd party. And sausage balls!

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Dirt. And my grandmother's Cherry Pie.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Eating The Varsity on the 24th and "Christmas Gift"-ing people Christmas morning

17. What tops your tree? An angel, I think...

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving? I love to giving the perfect gift to someone. Receiving (any time, not just Christmas) just makes me feel awkward,

19. Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum? Yum!

20. Favorite Christmas show? Pretty much any Christmas movie. I think I've seen them all.

21. Saddest Christmas Song? White Christmas. It reminds me of my Grandfather who died a couple of years ago. He loved Christmas as much as I do. It's makes me happy to hear it, but sad that he's gone.

22. What is your favorite Christmas song? O Holy Night
If you fill this out, please let me know in the comments (with a link!).

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

23 weeks

How Far Along? 23-ish weeks (Sorry that these keep being pushed back more and more!)
Picture? Not yet this week and I'm already in PJs. Perhaps I'll update this with a picture later.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: After this weekend, it was 2 gained. Dang vacation food!
Size of baby:  One site said Papaya; another said eggplant
Maternity Clothes: Yup.
Gender: Sasha Fierce (Jolie, I thought you'd like that. ;) lol) is a female.
Movement: Happening and I still think it's weird sometimes.
Sleep: Sleep is like my friend Megin: I love it so dearly, but I don't get to see it often enough.
What I miss: Non swollen feet
Cravings: I love food.
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick? Meat cooking... still. And dog food. I gag every morning when I fill the dog bowl. Yuck.
Belly Button In or Out: In
Happy or Moody Most of the Time? Moody and happy
Stretch Marks? Only the old ones
Other Symptoms: Feet swelling.
Have You Started to Show Yet? I doubt it, but our dog sitter friend said I was.
Best Moment of the Week? SF's fetal echocardiogram coming back all fine and dandy :)
Looking Forward To: Thanksgiving.


Marcel, part two!

The scene at 2:30 made me laugh so hard!


Friday, November 11, 2011


I just wanted to say Happy Veterans Day to all of you veterans out there!

I personally will be thinking about most of the men in my family: my grandfather (Army), my father (Army), my oldest brother (Army), my middle/youngest brother (Air Force and currently Air National Guard) and, of course, my wonderful husband (Navy), plus an abundance of friends and "brother-cousins" out there who are both currently serving and are veterans as well. But, can I mention one group of "veterans" that are easily forgotten on this day? All of those service men and women's families. They are certainly vets of their own right.

And those who have lost their lives while defending us. There have been too many of you lost, but we ALL thank you for your sacrifice.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

22 weeks

How Far Along? 22-ish weeks (Sorry that these keep being pushed back more and more!)
Picture? Not this week. Sorry. I just haven't taken the time to take one. :/

Total Weight Gain/Loss: 1 under pre-pregnancy weight... still
Size of baby:  I think it's a zucchini
Maternity Clothes: Yup.
Gender: San Francisco is a little GIRL
Movement: I like it.
Sleep: I was sleeping so well last night that I hated having to get up this morning for work.
What I miss: Shoes that fit.
Cravings: Nothing new this week
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick? Meat cooking... still. And dog food. I gag every morning when I fill the dog bowl. Yuck.
Belly Button In or Out: In
Happy or Moody Most of the Time? Moody and happy
Stretch Marks? Only the old ones
Other Symptoms: My right foot hardly fits in my non-flip flop shoes. The doctor orders a shoe shopping trip. :)
Have You Started to Show Yet? Definitely if I am on my back. I still just look fat when I'm standing up.
Best Moment of the Week? Baby clothes at a consignment sale
Looking Forward To: Thanksgiving.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Why San Francisco?

I've had several people ask why we are calling our unborn daughter San Francisco (and some who seriously think that it is really her name. Seriously, people.). It's not because we really like San Francisco or, like I told/joked with someone, because her father is really from there. (Joke: T IS the father and he is so not from San Fran)

It's because her initials are SF and whenever I see SF, I think San Francisco. And we aren't quite ready to share the actual name with people other than immediate family. So _____ _____ M-lastname got temporarily changed to San Francisco for our friends on the internet and off. It's as simple as that.

So who wants to take a guess at her name? Obviously, the first name starts with S and the middle name starts with F. If you know the actual name, don't spoil it. Just have fun giving other names that SF could stand for. :)

Friday, November 4, 2011

WDD Blue Fridays

I am wearing blue today and I will wear blue every Friday this month. Will you?

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

21 Weeks

How Far Along? 21-ish weeks
Total Weight Gain/Loss: 1 under pre-pregnancy weight
Size of baby:  Grapefruit?
Maternity Clothes: Yup.
Gender: San Francisco is a little GIRL
Movement: Now that I know, Yes. Like crazy. Especially after my Halloween candy smorgasbord.
Sleep: Sleep is rough, but when it happens, it's my best friend. It doesn't help that I'm starting to wake up with my stomach growling in the middle of the night.
What I miss: The ease of sleep during my 1st trimester.
Cravings: Panera soup in a bread bowl, which I had for lunch yesterday.
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick? Meat cooking
Belly Button In or Out: In
Happy or Moody Most of the Time? Moody and happy
Stretch Marks? Only the old ones
Other Symptoms: I don't know if it's a pregnancy symptom or not, but I went to scratch my neck in the car yesterday and when I pulled my hand away, there was blood all over it. I had to hold a Kleenex on my neck while driving down the road to get it to stop. When it did and I looked in a mirror, there wasn't any marks to explain why it bled so badly. Crazy.
Have You Started to Show Yet? Definitely if I am on my back. I still just look fat when I'm standing up.
Best Moment of the Week? Feeling her move
Looking Forward To: announcing her actual name. (Coming Soon!)

November is Diabetes Awareness Month

I am a Type 1 Diabetic. I have been for almost 16 years now. When I was diagnosed, they said I had Juvenile Diabetes. I guess I've grown out of being a juvenile, but I didn't grow out of Diabetes.

Help find a cure so kids like Ian and Samuel don't have to face a lifetime of fear and uncertainty.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween!

From me and my little San Francisco!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Worries... I've had a few

So many of my friends have (and are) struggled to get pregnant. While it may look like we had it easy (and we did on so many accounts), I haven't been without my worries and stress about the road to motherhood. I felt like writing some of it out, so it could possibly give some insight into this and also as a way for me to vent my worries. It is long and I will go ahead and apologize about that right now.

I spent my teen years (and early twenties) worrying that, if I ever got pregnant, it would kill me (myth), thanks to Steel Magnolias. I spent my early twenties to mid twenties worrying about finding that special someone to be my husband. You know, special because all of the things Type 3 diabetics have to learn and worry about, especially when you add pregnancy in the mix. I found him in the most wonderful guy in the world, the Timmy. After marrying T, I worried about getting my diabetes under control so we could have a baby. A healthy baby. After about 9-ish months of  a1c's under 7, we got a go ahead from my doctor to try. After several months of trying and not getting pregnant, I started worrying that something might be wrong with my body, either diabetes related or something else.

But then we got pregnant. The worries quickly changed to joy. Mental plans for the future swam through our heads. Christmas here, birthdays there. This way of teaching, these activities. All of the things newly pregnant people discuss, think about and plan. But it didn't last long. After the miscarriage, I worried that maybe there really WAS something wrong with me. Perhaps I could never carry a child. Perhaps I shouldn't reproduce. An ex-boyfriend's mother once told me that she didn't want me for the mother of her grandchildren (even though she liked me very much) because of the entire diabetes issue. Comments like that stick with you and, when the miscarriage happened, it kept rearing it's ugly head.

Even with all of those worries, we kept on trying as soon as we got the doctor's ok. I kept on worrying. T kept to himself whatever was on his mind. Once again months passed without any luck. At one point during that time, I spent way too much money on pregnancy tests, due to an unexplained 90 day cycle. I thought I was pregnant. I had to be! But the tests said no. Again, I worried that there was something wrong with me. I started to consider going to some kind of specialist, but I knew T would say that if it was meant to happen, then it'd happen. Finally that horrendous 90 day cycle ended right before my birthday this year. It was a wonderful birthday present.

Then I got busy with life. Vacation Bible School at church, followed by a trip to Oklahoma, with various birthdays and minor holidays thrown in there. Even so, I kept on wondering when my time would be. When would I be a mom? Would I ever? Should I? Those worries and that busyness kept on. July approached.

I knew July would be a difficult month. That is when our lost baby would've been due. Those thoughts kept going through my head. I remember the 4th of July being especially difficult because that was the "fun" date I had in my head for a potential c section delivery date. A delivery date for a baby that did not make it. That day just made me feel nauseated. Perhaps it was due to memories and stress. Or perhaps it was due to what happened soon (super soon) after.

I was late. I worried that it was another super long cycle like the one from the cycle before. T was working nights, leaving me alone with my worries. Finally, I decided to take a pregnancy test. Positive! I didn't believe it. This was a test that was taken at night. Those tests aren't always accurate, my silly brain tried to tell me. Since they recommend home pregnancy tests be taken in the morning with first morning urine, I waited and retook the test. Still positive. :) Even with the happiness, I was still scared. What if I lose it? What if it happens AGAIN? What if?? Of course, T was still on night shifts and these terrors were racing through my head. That's how my best friend Megin became the first one to know about San Francisco. She talked me down off the figurative cliff. She told me it was going to be alright. Her conversation gave me the permission to try to be excited. I bought a bib and decorated it to tell T the good news.

He was excited, of course. I was excited. But how long would that excited last until it happened again? I worried about that until our first ultrasound. I was terrified that there wouldn't be a heartbeat (or even a baby), like the ultrasound I had in the ER during the miscarriage. I couldn't even look at the screen at the doctor's office until they told me everything looked good. I was afraid of silence, so I covered my ears to prevent not hearing the lack of a heartbeat. There was a strong, fast heartbeat.

I still have trouble giving myself permission to get excited about this baby. Perhaps that's why we didn't make a big deal about telling everyone. Every appointment I fear going in and there not being a heartbeat. Luckily, the doctor has found it quickly every time with the exception of that one time. I constantly worry that my diabetes (and years of poor control) will and are hurting this baby. During my ultrasound from last week, I was reassured that everything looked good that could've

Then I was told about the cord. Something new to worry about! It's not a big deal, but it is a big deal. A friend told me that her mom lost a baby at 7 months because of this same thing. Granted, that was, like, 30 years ago, but still. I've feared that I would lose this baby this entire time for one reason or another and , now, I'm given another reason to fear this.

Learning that this baby is not an it, but, in fact, a she has made this so real. Seeing her face(!) has made this so much more real. Knowing her name has made this so much more real. And, now, feeling her move has made this extremely more real. Emotions that I could push back before come pouring out so easily. Sad videos or songs or even songs of joy bring tears. Memories of my pop who I miss terribly bring tears to my eyes. SF, my little San Francisco (not her real name, fyi), is so real. And so mine. I don't know how I could stand if something happened to her. These worries are going to drive me crazy if I don't just have a little faith. I gotta believe everything (and everyone) will be alright.

I also know I need to understand that these worries I have now aren't going to change. I'm going to be a mother and a mother worries about her little loves.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

20 weeks

How Far Along? 20-ish weeks
Total Weight Gain/Loss: 3 lost
Size of baby:  SF is a mixed drink- She's the size of a banana or a small coconut
Maternity Clothes: Yes. Still looking for some non-jean pants and a winter coat
Gender: Sugar and spice and everything nice!
Movement: Sure. I suppose. Well, it's either that or gas. YES!
Sleep: Sleep would be better if T would turn lights off i the morning after he gets ready for work at 4:30-5 am.
What I miss: Coffee
Cravings: Soft serve Ice cream. Maybe that'll be dinner tonight. You think the Timmy would go for that... again?
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick? Meat cooking. And a rotisserie chicken yesterday.
Belly Button In or Out: In
Happy or Moody Most of the Time? Moody and happy
Stretch Marks? Only the old ones
Other Symptoms: A weird tightness around my belly button when I stand up. (Due to ligaments and stretching coming from within)
Have You Started to Show Yet? I doubt it, but the nurse at my endocrinologist office said I was starting to look more pregnant at my appointment Friday
Best Moment of the Week? Finding out that it is a SHE
Looking Forward To: my anniversary trip with T in a few weeks.