Saturday, December 3, 2011

One year later

A year ago, I was pregnant. A year ago, I started bleeding heavily in the shower. A year ago, I went to the ER. A year ago, I lost my baby.

The past year has not been easy. Reminders of what could have been mixed with the reality of what was. Holidays where I should have been __ weeks pregnant passed without a child inside. Then July hit. The month I was due to have the child that wasn't to be. The month I found out that I was pregnant with this child, this girl, that WILL be (God willing).

That made it.... different. Not easier. Not harder. Just different. I was still missing and grieving the lost baby, but I was also celebrating the new life within me. I was cautiously celebrating this new journey I was embarking on. I was afraid that it would all end at any moment (and I still am). A friend called me Momma-to-be the other day and quickly changed it to Momma because, in her words, I am already a mother. I told her that Momma-to-be was a better title. I'm not comfortable being called Momma just because a baby should be in my arms in three months because I know. I know how quickly that can end and I'm afraid. I have a hard time acting excited about this pregnancy and SF, but I am. I am so so excited. This is my daughter and will be no matter what, but I'm afraid of the worst case scenario happening. How could I not be? It's happened before.

So, when you see me in person and you ask about how things are going, my nonchalant answer is just covering the fear I have inside. When you ask my opinion about shower things, know that I am so grateful and so excited about getting one, but I'm still afraid that there will end up not being a need for one. I'm afraid to tell too many details, in case I have to take them all back when things end poorly.

But I am trying. I am trying to keep a positive mind about all of this that is happening this year and not dwell too much on the loss from last year. I am trying.

You know what helps? When you get excited for me and with me. When you ask me questions and give me advice. When you acknowledge SF is a real (little) person.

Because your excitement is contagious to me. :)


  1. She is real! I hope that you get a 4d ultrasound because once you see her precious little face, excitement is too hard to resist. So enjoy every shower and room decoration and kick, because you are a mom. And a damn good one! Because you value that precious child that is now in Jesus's arms and you value little SF who will be in your arms soon. Love you sis and can't wait till my little new niece arrives!

  2. This means that it was about a year ago that I first found your blog.

    I remember feeling the hurt alongside you...and then the excitement that came with learning about SF.

    Both of your sweet children are very real. Jesus understands that you will forever wonder about the baby you lost...and you will forever mourn the baby you longed to hold. He will never be angry with you for those emotions.

    Your beautiful baby is growing and gaining strength inside the healthy home you are striving to provide for her.

    She is an amazing gift...a gift that is very REAL.

  3. I understand.
    I get it.
    I hear ya.

    But you are a Mom. Plain and simple. You will be blessed, one way or the other. SF is a new little blessing sent to you from another, these things I know because I am in the same position.

    Yes it's hard to be excited with the fear of another loss hanging overhead, but what fun is it without the excitement? Why should the negative take precedent? I try and take let the positive reign supreme and know that no matter what happens at least I'm enjoying THIS. NOW.

    Things can always happen. Even when these girls arrive in our arms. Even when they're 18. So let's enjoy these little moments, bask in the excitement and know that the things in the past that have caused us sadness are only making us appreciate this happiness MORE.