Saturday, April 21, 2012

Struggling, but I must write this

Recent events combined with the fact that my eye is much, much worse than when I wrote this is making me just want to cry. And cry, I did. The husband doesn't understand. Other people can't understand. This means more to me than most will understand.

The eye is completely blurry now. I can't even see the computer screen with it, just the light from the monitor. Nighttime vision in the eye is horrible. Without a bright flashlight at night, I can't even go to my daughter's side to help her. I'm constantly dizzy from the uneven vision. I constantly have a headache from it, too. My favorite hobbies, reading and art, have been taken away without the vision. I have a doctor's appointment next week to see if the more serious surgery will help. Hopefully it will.

I'm losing hope. :(

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I always said I'd give my right eye to be a mother...

... And I may have.

The night before my scheduled C Section, a blood vessel in my right eye burst. The stress of pregnancy on my type 1 diabetic body was almost too much. It quickly (and by quickly, I mean quickly. It wasn't even there at an eye appointment in September) progressed diabetic retinopathy in my eyes. The retinopathy caused a blood vessel to burst. Retinopathy that shouldn't have happened since I spent my pregnancy with my A1Cs between %.8 and 6.5. I've spent my daughter's entire life without the ability to see her clearly (or even close to it) out of my right eye.

On  March 22nd, I had a procedure involving lasers done to my eye to hopefully fix a good bit of the problem. Thousands of shots from the laser to my eye later, I have lost peripheral in my right eye. I can see light and color, but I can hardly make out specific shapes (One of the reasons I haven't been blogging much recently). Some days are better than others and things are clearer, but it may possibly be permanent. It may get worse. I may go blind sooner than later.

It may make it where I am unable to have more children, due to possible worsening of the condition of my eyes. Children that I want to fill my house with. Sibling(s) for Selah. Children that are in my heart and I'm desperate to someday have in my arms. I pray to God regularly to heal my eyes. I pray to God that I can someday have another child. I even pray to Him using the names we've already picked for #2. I know that He has His plans, but I desperately hope that those plans include baby ES or JD. I was meant to be a mother and I have oh so much more room in my heart for the children yet to be.

But, you know what? If Selah is the only child for me, I would be eternally grateful for that. I'd give my right eye for her over and over if it meant she would be in my life.