Anesthesia Dream

Right before the doctor put me under during the surgery on the 23rd (Black Friday), he told me to think of my favorite island. Think about cabana boys and mixed drinks. I laughed and then blacked out.

While I was out, I did dream. I had a dream that I was Black Friday shopping with my wonderful grandfather (the one who died in 2008). Towards the end of the dream (or at least the last thing I remember), I handed him a bundle and said "Happy early Birthday, Pop".

I never saw what was in the bundle, but I think we know.

And I know for a fact that he loves his gift.

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 24

I am thankful to have had 2-3 months as your momma, little one. I'll see you and your face in heaven one day. Give Pop a kiss for me.

Surgery was a success

I feel like a failure. I feel heartbroken. I feel so... Empty.

But I'm alive and I have my wonderful, supportive husband and my sweet, sweet, precious baby girl.

And I just know that, one day, some day (hopefully sooner than later), we'll have our second forever baby.

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 23

I am thankful to be done purchasing 98% of my Christmas presents. This way, I do not have to go get mixed up in the crazy crowds out of desperation. I can get mixed up in them just for fun.

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 22

I am thankful for good friends and good food and when the two combine. Happy Thanksgiving Day!

The day the heart stopped beating

On October 15th, I found out I was pregnant. A definite surprise, but such a welcome one. For a week or two, this was my little secret. God and I shared this secret.

I told Timmy via text message picture of a dinner roll in the oven. A bun in the oven. Our surprise.

I dreamed of how I would share our news with our family and friends we were overjoyed and so in love.

I went to the doctor and was given a due date towards the beginning of June. Bloodwork was drawn and ultrasound appointment was scheduled. I couldn't wait to share my joy.

This week was my appointment. I am(?) 11.5 weeks pregnant. The baby in the ultrasound, the baby in my belly, measured 7.5 weeks... without a heartbeat. Our baby, our joy, our surprise, died within the last few weeks.

Bleeding has started, but a D&E has been scheduled for Friday. What a Black Friday we'll have this year.

Pre-op was done this morning for my 4-5 surgical procedure this year. At least they'll be putting me completely under this time. I couldn't bear to be conscious while my (dead) baby is ripped from my body.

Please pray for us during this time. When I'm ready to talk about this in person, I will.

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 21

I am thankful for a wonderful, understanding endocrinologist. Thanks for not scolding me about any minor thing and leading me in the direction I need to be going, Dr. W.

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 20

I am thankful for my iphone. It keeps me connected to the outside world when I need it most while also allowing me an escape from the outside world when it becomes too overwhelming.

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 19

I am thankful to have such a strong and beautiful family member. No details or names to be given at their request, but some of you may know who I am talking about.

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 18

I am thankful for photographers who can take ADORABLE pictures of my little. Selah is certainly photogenic.