Friday, February 15, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Manley
He's gone. The man who has been more like a father to me than my real one is gone. I've been emotionally and mentally preparing for this for over two years, but it's still hard. I know it's for the best, but, you know, it's still hard. I am happy he's released from the shell he had become and I'm happy that he is able to play with Molly again. I'm happy that he gets to meet my babies. The love he has shown Selah this past year shows me that those babies are lucky to have another grandfather to love on them until the day comes and I can.
But I'm sad for me. Manley stepped in to be my father when the actual one kept his distance. Manley never used 'step' in front of daughter when talking about me. He never made me feel like I was in the way, like I was an annoyance that came with marrying my mom. He was happy to have us as his family and I him.
He married my mom when I was 4. He accepted me as his. His family became my family. My first niece and nephew were from his daughter. His aunt, cousin, her children and their children were my family. I've never known different because Manley never let me feel as if they were anything but my family. Some of my sadness from his death is also from the fact that I have no connection to his family anymore. They have no reason to act as if we are family anymore. I'm afraid I'm losing more than a wonderful father, but an entire family as well. I hope not...
While I am terribly upset of his passing and unsure about the future of half the relatives I have, I will be strong. I need to. I have to. My super resilient mother needs it even if she doesn't say. Plus, my life isn't my own anymore. I have a little to take care of during this time.
But it's still hard.
But I'm sad for me. Manley stepped in to be my father when the actual one kept his distance. Manley never used 'step' in front of daughter when talking about me. He never made me feel like I was in the way, like I was an annoyance that came with marrying my mom. He was happy to have us as his family and I him.
He married my mom when I was 4. He accepted me as his. His family became my family. My first niece and nephew were from his daughter. His aunt, cousin, her children and their children were my family. I've never known different because Manley never let me feel as if they were anything but my family. Some of my sadness from his death is also from the fact that I have no connection to his family anymore. They have no reason to act as if we are family anymore. I'm afraid I'm losing more than a wonderful father, but an entire family as well. I hope not...
While I am terribly upset of his passing and unsure about the future of half the relatives I have, I will be strong. I need to. I have to. My super resilient mother needs it even if she doesn't say. Plus, my life isn't my own anymore. I have a little to take care of during this time.
But it's still hard.
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| Father/daughter dance with my REAL father |
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