Catharsis

What's on Beth's phone Wednesday was skipped last week because the only picture on my phone was still a surprise and it's being skipped this week because of what I have to type right now.

Warning: This may be TMI for some.

July 2011, I was supposed to become a mother. After trying for several months, we were thrilled to finally see a positive test. I was in disbelief that I would be so lucky to have my dreams of a family with my husband come true. I tested with three different brands of pregnancy tests on three different days, each one quickly showing up positive. I was ecstatic. We planned on telling our family Christmas. By then I would have been about 9 weeks pregnant.

Then disaster struck.

We went down to Jacksonville for a friend's wedding that I was in. I was feeling tired and nauseated and all of the usual pregnancy symptoms, but I was still so happy. I drove the 5-6 hours down while the Timmy tried to sleep in the car after his previous night shift at work. He didn't get much sleep in the car, so I left him at the hotel to get a little bit more sleep while I went to the wedding rehearsal. I think he got a total of maybe 3 hours of sleep that day.

When I got back from the rehearsal, we went out and drove around Jax looking for something to eat. After eating, we went back to the hotel where I immediately went to take a shower so I could have my hair dried before the wedding the next morning. It was about 10:30 pm.

The shower began like a shower should; I washed my hair, conditioned it, the usual. Then all of a sudden, I felt warm liquid between my legs. I reached down and, when I pulled my hand away, my hand was covered in bright red blood. Never a good sign. I panicked a bit, but I, for some reason, went ahead and finished the shower. Towards the end of the shower, I checked again. Still a lot of bright red blood.

I went into the hotel room and told the Timmy what was happening. That's when I burst out crying. I knew what was happening. This wasn't the first time. We debated about whether or not we should go to the ER or not. I am so glad we did, even though it will cost us money we didn't expect to spend.

At the ER, they took blood and urine to prove that I, in fact, was pregnant. Those, of course, tested positive. I was also taken for an ultrasound where they checked things out below. She did an external and measured and looked various places. She said that perhaps I wasn't as far along as we believed. She didn't see anything yet. Then she did an internal and that one hurt. She probed and prodded. She then said, again, that I must not be as far as I thought I was. She didn't see anything. I knew then that it must have already passed, but she just told me that the doctor would go over the sonograms when I got back to the room.

Back in the room, we waited forever. It was by then after 3:00 am. Poor Timmy was running on about 3 hours sleep in about 36 hours. I hadn't had much more than that. We still had a wedding to go to in a few hours. By the time the doctor came in, our hope had dwindled to close to nothing. The doctor said that I was "too early" to know whether it was a miscarriage or just a threatened miscarriage. He couldn't see any cells that could be our baby, so he thought it was too early to know. I think he just didn't know and it was late.

I know by my cycles and my HCG levels that I was no earlier than 5 weeks and no later than 7, closer to 7. By that point, you would see something, if not on the external ultrasound, but definitely the internal. We just promised him that I would go get blood drawn when we got back to SC this week to see if the HCG levels were raising as they should in a normal pregnancy or if they had dropped as they would in a miscarriage. I go in tomorrow, but I know what I'll hear.

The pain from cramps and the blood and tissue that have passed since leave no doubt in my mind. It was definitely a miscarriage. At least the hormone levels will give me an idea of how much further I have to go until this is done.

We went to the wedding. We celebrated with the bride and groom. We spent some time with some of the best friends we have. These people will never know how much those simple interactions meant to me on those following days. It helped me have hope for the future. It helped distract me from the pain I was feeling, emotionally and physically. I love my friends.

We also went to our church's healing service that they have the first monday of every month that just so happened to fall on the monday immediately following our miscarriage. We told the pastor our story and shed more tears. He offered some words of wisdom and prayed a prayer for ease of the sadness and a prayer for help from God to accomplish our goal of a family. I was hard for me to go public with that info in person with anybody other than the Timmy, but Talbot (our pastor) made us feel more at ease. I have yet to cry since that service.

The next morning, we received the most beautiful roses from the church with a note that they were thinking of us and praying for us. Again, those meant more to me than they will ever know.


Many more tears have been shed since Friday, and I'm sure there are many more to go, but the Timmy and I are feeling hopeful. We will just keep trying and praying and keeping God as a presence in every aspect of our life. We will be parents someday.

Even though it's still too fresh to talk about in person or over the phone, any prayers and love will be welcomed. Who in their right mind would ever refuse those?