Still feeling it

A few days ago, I took down our Christmas tree. While taking it down, I remembered putting it up and some of the thoughts I had. Why did they stick in my head? I was still pregnant.

Now? I am not. And I'm expected to be "over" it.

You may be thinking that I don't have to be over it. I'm allowed to still feel the pain of our loss. Our THIRD loss. But you (in general) don't allow me. You don't tell me that to my face. You don't ask me how I am in regards to not being pregnant now or mention the babies that weren't. You don't allow me to cry anymore.

T doesn't. When I mentioned to him that I was pregnant while putting up our Christmas things but not while taking it down, he asked me why it even mattered. He told me that I didn't need to dwell on things like that, to think about things like that.

But I do. I do think about them. I don't know how not to. This last baby was part of me for, what? Three months? Known about for 2? That was my baby. It was my body that couldn't sustain it. It was my body that held the baby after the heart stopped beating. It was my body that felt the pains of 'labor' as I miscarried Thanksgiving evening. It was my body that was operated on the day after Thanksgiving to remove whatever was left. How could I NOT think about it?

People every where we go mention how cute Selah is, which leads to them saying that they (or somebody they know) have a baby close to her age with their second due a few months later. So should we, but we don't. Not any more. People ask if she is our first. When we say yes, if they have more than one, they say to enjoy it because two kids are so much work. Two babies are such a handful. How about this? Less complaining about that and more enjoying it. Or, perhaps, just don't mention it to me right now. Especially if you know what happened. I know this. I WANT this, but it was ripped from me. Can you understand it? I couldn't before, but now I do.

So, if you ask me how I am just as a mere courtesy, I will answer fine. If you ask me out of concern, I will, more than likely, answer fine as well, but look into my eyes. Listen to how I say it. I am not fine, but I'm not allowed to admit it to anyone. Not even my husband.

Break the ice with an amusing video and then deliver news you may not like

Watch:



Then read:

I'm 90% sure I'll be going semi-private on this blog sometime in the near future. Let me know if you want to be on the exclusive list of future readers in the comments or email me. But let me be honest. I may or may not let you. My hiatus from blogging is not due to being busy with Selah. It's due to not being able (or allowed, really) to write about what is on my mind and bothering me.

If I do go semi-private, it won't be permanent... hopefully. It'll just be until certain people and things resolve themselves and until people come to ME and ask ME how I am, instead of consulting this blog exclusively.

Struggling, but I must write this

Recent events combined with the fact that my eye is much, much worse than when I wrote this is making me just want to cry. And cry, I did. The husband doesn't understand. Other people can't understand. This means more to me than most will understand.

The eye is completely blurry now. I can't even see the computer screen with it, just the light from the monitor. Nighttime vision in the eye is horrible. Without a bright flashlight at night, I can't even go to my daughter's side to help her. I'm constantly dizzy from the uneven vision. I constantly have a headache from it, too. My favorite hobbies, reading and art, have been taken away without the vision. I have a doctor's appointment next week to see if the more serious surgery will help. Hopefully it will.

I'm losing hope. :(

Husband extremely angry and not talking to me. My presence here doesn't seem wanted and he won't tell me what's upsetting him. Should I stay or should I go?

I think I'm going, but not for good.

Update:

I got my stuff together to go and I think he saw that I wasn't bluffing, so he started talking to me. A couple of I'm sorrys later and we're good. At least from my view. Hopefully from his as well.

I still love that guy.