Merry Christmas!

Our 2013 Christmas card (front)

Happy birthday, Lauren!

My niece is FIVE today! I just can't believe it.

Lauren is the best big cousin I've ever seen. You can seriously see how much she loves "baby Selah". When we saw her just a few weeks ago, she wanted Selah to have whatever she had. No refusal to share toys/food/treats/attention/space with a little one much younger than her. No jealousy. It's pretty obvious that I'm not the only one who thinks she's the best. Selah agrees.

Picture of the girls together. Hard to stop them from playing.

I heard this song recently and it made me think of you, my dear.



Always be yourself
But if you can be a unicorn
Always be a unicorn

Happy 5th birthday, Lauren Olivia! Aunt Beth loves you so, so much.

Rainbows and Sunshine (With Pictures)

Rainbow baby- a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. In the case of a rainbow baby, the storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

 

I think I started planning (and pinning) Selah's first birthday probably before she was even born. You see, I knew she was a rainbow baby and wanted her first birthday party to reflect that. As we got closer to her birthday, our friends and I realized that it would work best for everyone involved to have a joint first birthday party for their son Liam (who was born a week before Selah) and for Selah. Since Rainbows and Sunshine is a pretty non-gender specific theme and I had already done a bunch of planning, we decided to stick with the theme. Works out well because Liam is a rainbow as well. :)

 

I'll, pretty much, let the pictures of the party speak for themselves.

 

"Happy Birthday, Liam & Selah"

Selah and Liam, throughout the year

Handmade felt birthday hat

two 1s for the two one year olds, not an 11 year old

Selah and her friend A with the adopted grandparents

Liam's so serious, but check out that attempted hand holding

Rainbow birthday tutu! (See, Meg? It wasn't that big!)

 And now it's time for a ton of cake smashing photos. Selah LOVED it (hence all of the pictures). Liam? Not so much. I think he ran from the cake and the icing and his crazy little girlfriend who was covered in the cake and icing.

Smash cupcake (from Blushing Bakeshop)

 

 

 Though the ground outside was covered in snow, the party inside was full of love and warmth, courtesy of our rainbows and sunshines and everybody who loves them.

Manley

He's gone. The man who has been more like a father to me than my real one is gone. I've been emotionally and mentally preparing for this for over two years, but it's still hard. I know it's for the best, but, you know, it's still hard. I am happy he's released from the shell he had become and I'm happy that he is able to play with Molly again. I'm happy that he gets to meet my babies. The love he has shown Selah this past year shows me that those babies are lucky to have another grandfather to love on them until the day comes and I can.

But I'm sad for me. Manley stepped in to be my father when the actual one kept his distance. Manley never used 'step' in front of daughter when talking about me. He never made me feel like I was in the way, like I was an annoyance that came with marrying my mom. He was happy to have us as his family and I him.

He married my mom when I was 4. He accepted me as his. His family became my family. My first niece and nephew were from his daughter. His aunt, cousin, her children and their children were my family. I've never known different because Manley never let me feel as if they were anything but my family. Some of my sadness from his death is also from the fact that I have no connection to his family anymore. They have no reason to act as if we are family anymore. I'm afraid I'm losing more than a wonderful father, but an entire family as well. I hope not...

While I am terribly upset of his passing and unsure about the future of half the relatives I have, I will be strong. I need to. I have to. My super resilient mother needs it even if she doesn't say. Plus, my life isn't my own anymore. I have a little to take care of during this time.

But it's still hard.

Father/daughter dance with my REAL father

Selah's Advent- Day 23

Tonight is my family's annual Family Reunion/Christmas party. Two years ago, I was on the verge of tears because of my recent miscarriage. Last year, I may have had sore, swollen feet, but I was overjoyed to have my Selah in my stomach, happily kicking away. This year? This year, I have my almost walking joy of a 9.5 month old to show off. Without Selah this year, it would be an emotional repeat of two years ago. Hopefully it won't be. We'll see.

But that's our Christmas activity for the day.

Today's Bible verse is:

    When Herod the king heard this, he was troubled, and all Jerusalem with him; and assembling all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the Christ was to be born. They told him, “In Bethlehem of Judea, for so it is written by the prophet:
    “‘And you, O Bethlehem, in the land of Judah,
        are by no means least among the rulers of Judah;
    for from you shall come a ruler
        who will shepherd my people Israel.’”
    Then Herod summoned the wise men secretly and ascertained from them what time the star had appeared.
(Matthew 2:3-7 ESV)

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 25

I am thankful for the overwhelming love and support during a difficult time. I love you guys.

Anesthesia Dream

Right before the doctor put me under during the surgery on the 23rd (Black Friday), he told me to think of my favorite island. Think about cabana boys and mixed drinks. I laughed and then blacked out.

While I was out, I did dream. I had a dream that I was Black Friday shopping with my wonderful grandfather (the one who died in 2008). Towards the end of the dream (or at least the last thing I remember), I handed him a bundle and said "Happy early Birthday, Pop".

I never saw what was in the bundle, but I think we know.

And I know for a fact that he loves his gift.

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 19

I am thankful to have such a strong and beautiful family member. No details or names to be given at their request, but some of you may know who I am talking about.

Selah says buy: Red Stamp iPhone App

I was recently introduced to the free Red Stamp app via Pinterest and I LOVE IT. It's such a cute way to send a quick note or message to somebody, especially personalized thank you notes for gifts for your baby.

The app isn't just for thank you notes. You can also send notes of congratulations or quick hellos. These can be sent electronically (free) or through the mail ($2 for 1, but the price goes down to $1 if you want to send a lot).

I wish I had this when Selah was born for quick thank you notes for meals dropped off or gifts mailed (before I forgot to send them in a timely manner). I'll definitely use this with the next.

Go get it now. You'll love it even if you don't need it for kid's thank you notes. :)

I thought this deserved a short, quick entry of it's own

A nephew! I am so overjoyed!

Edit:
Jaxon Easton was born October 15, 2012, weighing 8 lbs 12 oz and 21 in. Welcome baby boy!

Ooooooooklahoma! Part deux

Tickets purchased! Oklahoma, here we come!


...unless there is an unplanned work conflict. Pray that there won't be.

:)

I got my brother's address today! This makes me feel a bit better. I can't wait to send him something, whether it's something fun or just a card.

I may not approve of the war, but I will always ALWAYS support the troops. And I know the majority of my readers feel the same way.

Catharsis

What's on Beth's phone Wednesday was skipped last week because the only picture on my phone was still a surprise and it's being skipped this week because of what I have to type right now.

Warning: This may be TMI for some.

July 2011, I was supposed to become a mother. After trying for several months, we were thrilled to finally see a positive test. I was in disbelief that I would be so lucky to have my dreams of a family with my husband come true. I tested with three different brands of pregnancy tests on three different days, each one quickly showing up positive. I was ecstatic. We planned on telling our family Christmas. By then I would have been about 9 weeks pregnant.

Then disaster struck.

We went down to Jacksonville for a friend's wedding that I was in. I was feeling tired and nauseated and all of the usual pregnancy symptoms, but I was still so happy. I drove the 5-6 hours down while the Timmy tried to sleep in the car after his previous night shift at work. He didn't get much sleep in the car, so I left him at the hotel to get a little bit more sleep while I went to the wedding rehearsal. I think he got a total of maybe 3 hours of sleep that day.

When I got back from the rehearsal, we went out and drove around Jax looking for something to eat. After eating, we went back to the hotel where I immediately went to take a shower so I could have my hair dried before the wedding the next morning. It was about 10:30 pm.

The shower began like a shower should; I washed my hair, conditioned it, the usual. Then all of a sudden, I felt warm liquid between my legs. I reached down and, when I pulled my hand away, my hand was covered in bright red blood. Never a good sign. I panicked a bit, but I, for some reason, went ahead and finished the shower. Towards the end of the shower, I checked again. Still a lot of bright red blood.

I went into the hotel room and told the Timmy what was happening. That's when I burst out crying. I knew what was happening. This wasn't the first time. We debated about whether or not we should go to the ER or not. I am so glad we did, even though it will cost us money we didn't expect to spend.

At the ER, they took blood and urine to prove that I, in fact, was pregnant. Those, of course, tested positive. I was also taken for an ultrasound where they checked things out below. She did an external and measured and looked various places. She said that perhaps I wasn't as far along as we believed. She didn't see anything yet. Then she did an internal and that one hurt. She probed and prodded. She then said, again, that I must not be as far as I thought I was. She didn't see anything. I knew then that it must have already passed, but she just told me that the doctor would go over the sonograms when I got back to the room.

Back in the room, we waited forever. It was by then after 3:00 am. Poor Timmy was running on about 3 hours sleep in about 36 hours. I hadn't had much more than that. We still had a wedding to go to in a few hours. By the time the doctor came in, our hope had dwindled to close to nothing. The doctor said that I was "too early" to know whether it was a miscarriage or just a threatened miscarriage. He couldn't see any cells that could be our baby, so he thought it was too early to know. I think he just didn't know and it was late.

I know by my cycles and my HCG levels that I was no earlier than 5 weeks and no later than 7, closer to 7. By that point, you would see something, if not on the external ultrasound, but definitely the internal. We just promised him that I would go get blood drawn when we got back to SC this week to see if the HCG levels were raising as they should in a normal pregnancy or if they had dropped as they would in a miscarriage. I go in tomorrow, but I know what I'll hear.

The pain from cramps and the blood and tissue that have passed since leave no doubt in my mind. It was definitely a miscarriage. At least the hormone levels will give me an idea of how much further I have to go until this is done.

We went to the wedding. We celebrated with the bride and groom. We spent some time with some of the best friends we have. These people will never know how much those simple interactions meant to me on those following days. It helped me have hope for the future. It helped distract me from the pain I was feeling, emotionally and physically. I love my friends.

We also went to our church's healing service that they have the first monday of every month that just so happened to fall on the monday immediately following our miscarriage. We told the pastor our story and shed more tears. He offered some words of wisdom and prayed a prayer for ease of the sadness and a prayer for help from God to accomplish our goal of a family. I was hard for me to go public with that info in person with anybody other than the Timmy, but Talbot (our pastor) made us feel more at ease. I have yet to cry since that service.

The next morning, we received the most beautiful roses from the church with a note that they were thinking of us and praying for us. Again, those meant more to me than they will ever know.


Many more tears have been shed since Friday, and I'm sure there are many more to go, but the Timmy and I are feeling hopeful. We will just keep trying and praying and keeping God as a presence in every aspect of our life. We will be parents someday.

Even though it's still too fresh to talk about in person or over the phone, any prayers and love will be welcomed. Who in their right mind would ever refuse those?

The happier type of shower!

This past weekend, I was the lady of honor at a bridal shower thrown by my two lovely aunts. Things were traditional: tasty foods, cheesy games and lovely relatives. It was wonderful. :)

Scrumptious Petit Fours


All of these wonderful women came out to celebrate with me in the pouring down rain.

One of my favorite gifts that I'll never use for the intended purpose.
These gloves will never clean toilets if I have anything to do with it.