Strong

I'm not strong.

Well, maybe I should rephrase that. I'm not strong enough.

All of this pertains to my last [real] post.

More announcements. Yes, more joy, but also more heartache for me. Why did this have to go wrong for us? Why again?

I feel left out. This is something I want more than anyone can imagine, yet it's something that I can't easily obtain. Especially not something that the majority of my friends have now obtained without issue. But you know what? I wouldn't wish these internal struggles on my worst enemy, let alone a friend.

I've been lapped. Hopefully, I'll catch up soon, but I've been without much hope recently. Really, why should I expect things to go well for us (and easy. My pregnancy with Selah wasn't easy.)? They haven't so far.

But, like I said, I'm not strong enough to handle another announcement by myself, even if I know about it ahead of time.

Rainbows and Sunshine (With Pictures)

Rainbow baby- a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. In the case of a rainbow baby, the storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

 

I think I started planning (and pinning) Selah's first birthday probably before she was even born. You see, I knew she was a rainbow baby and wanted her first birthday party to reflect that. As we got closer to her birthday, our friends and I realized that it would work best for everyone involved to have a joint first birthday party for their son Liam (who was born a week before Selah) and for Selah. Since Rainbows and Sunshine is a pretty non-gender specific theme and I had already done a bunch of planning, we decided to stick with the theme. Works out well because Liam is a rainbow as well. :)

 

I'll, pretty much, let the pictures of the party speak for themselves.

 

"Happy Birthday, Liam & Selah"

Selah and Liam, throughout the year

Handmade felt birthday hat

two 1s for the two one year olds, not an 11 year old

Selah and her friend A with the adopted grandparents

Liam's so serious, but check out that attempted hand holding

Rainbow birthday tutu! (See, Meg? It wasn't that big!)

 And now it's time for a ton of cake smashing photos. Selah LOVED it (hence all of the pictures). Liam? Not so much. I think he ran from the cake and the icing and his crazy little girlfriend who was covered in the cake and icing.

Smash cupcake (from Blushing Bakeshop)

 

 

 Though the ground outside was covered in snow, the party inside was full of love and warmth, courtesy of our rainbows and sunshines and everybody who loves them.

I REALLY don't want you to understand why today's shower is difficult

 Today I am co-hosting a baby shower. Why? I'm not so sure myself. Well, I do know why (because it's my friend's co-hosting with me and it's for our friend's baby), but I don't know why I am doing it since it actually is kinda tough on me.

You see, this baby that is being showered is due only a couple of weeks before I should've been due. This baby is their second as our lost baby would've been for us. The mom is the one who hugged me without letting go after she heard of our third loss. How is that bad, you ask? You see, that innocent hug? It pushed her rounding baby belly into my recently evacuated belly area... and it. wouldn't. move. (And, yes, I am aware that this is my "issue" and not hers. That's why I haven't told her.) This mom complained about pregnancy related things at a shower we were at a couple of weeks ago. This mom doesn't understand. Heck, YOU may not understand. But I'm glad you don't understand.

I found the following article online at Still Standing. It may help explain a little bit of that lingering sadness (And jealousy? Probably.).

I’m Glad You Don’t Understand

August 11, 2012

Guest Post by Tracy [On Still Standing]

Yesterday my mom said that I should do things I don’t want to because it will help me get over it faster. And then today suggested I visit my doctor—I might need medicine for depression.
I’m not going to get over it—I may get through it; there may be another side of this grief, but it will never be over.

I’m sad—grieving—but I don’t think I’m depressed. It’s only been two weeks. I lost a child. A child I had hopes and dreams for. Eleven weeks in utero or eleven years on earth… I still am not supposed to outlive my child. I am sad. Drugs won’t make my sadness go away.

I was hurt. This is my mother whom I’m very close to. I always feel able to tell her anything. And now I know I won’t anymore. Not this. This is mine to hold—not to hurt. I went in my house, sat on the stairs and held back tears.

And then I thought about it…

I already tell myself that the words come from a good place. And in my head I repeat the mantra “It’s from a good place, it’s from a good place.”

But recently, I’ve added another thought: “I’m so glad they don’t understand.” To understand is to have lost. That’s the only way someone really “gets it.” They too lost a child like I lost a child. They too wept for their baby, their dreams and their innocence.

I would never wish that hurt on anyone. No matter how much they hurt me. I don’t want them to understand—most especially not my mom. that understanding comes at such a high price. And I would never, ever, ever want any one else to pay that price.

My price is enough.

So please don't get me wrong. I am so happy for my friends. I am always happy for new babies to be brought into the world. I'm just sad that one of those new babies isn't my baby. 

Yet.

I'm living, not documenting

My twitter and blog friend Andrea from From Playgrounds to Politics posted a blog post the other day that rang pretty true. A lot of parents bury their heads in the technology in the name of  "creating memories". That's not how you create memories.

In her post, Andrea writes:

I took the kids to the museum today.

Nope, I’m not going to post pictures of the entire afternoon, because I didn’t even bring my camera.

Nope, I didn’t post a Facebook Status and live-tweet the whole time about what a great time we had, because I didn’t even bring my cellphone or iPad.

Nope, I’m not blogging about what we did all day, because I enjoyed the day with the kids without thinking about how I was going to make this fit into a blog post.

Nope, I’m not going to post super-funny quotes and anecdotes about what my kids said and did all day; not because there wasn’t a bunch, but I’m going to savor those just for myself.
As I frolicked through the museum with my kids and let them lead the way, I played with them, I engaged them, I watched them from the sidelines.  I enjoyed the moment without watching them obstructed from behind a camera lens; so afraid of missing the moment that I forgot to actually enjoy the moment happening.  I didn’t sit there off in the corner like countless parents that I did see say, “yuh-huh, okay” to their excited kids as they could barely look up from what was ever so captivating on the glow of their phone screen.  I mean, I’m sure their emails and their Facebook’s and all the live-tweeting about how great a time they were having “playing” with their kids was so important, but today I wasn’t going to parent from behind a screen, and I had a blast.  So did my kids.

We learn about humanity and can predict behaviors from history and from statistics and from experience.  But we don’t have statistics about what our kids will grow up like with a generation of parents who can barely look at them because their cellphones are much more important than they are.  We can’t tell from history what a society of kids will become when raised by masses of parents that can’t seem to put their cameras down to watch their kids explore a museum or play soccer without videotaping it or check texts before they check their diapers.  It’s not like our parents didn’t take pictures of us and talk on the phones, but with the ease of the mobile devices and smart-phones, it seems like it is multiplied by a thousand.  I go to my kid’s school concert and it’s like the paparazzi in the aisles don’t want to miss a move their subjects make.  Are they even listening to their kids sing?  You go to the museum and it’s not just the pictures: it’s the pictures, then it’s the reposing because that one didn’t come out great, and we have a digital camera that you can check the image, so let’s take a million, and hold on just a sec- instagram is slow.. and on and on.

This is not fun for your kids, I promise.

Sometimes it’s nice just to not bring the technology along and feel the freedom of not being interrupted by cellphone calls and posing for the perfect picture and making sure my followers know what and where we are doing and pausing to get that Foursquare check-in logged before we head over to the carousel.

I promise you, when you go to the lobby, they will have a working phone available for you in case of an emergency.  I promise you, our parent’s had things on their mind all the time, but they didn’t have to text everyone they knew about it immediately, and somehow they seemed to manage okay.  I promise you, you will remember playing with your kids even if you don’t have a flip-book full of digital pictures of your kid’s every move that you probably won’t even print out anyway.  I promise you, your kids will enjoy it when they tell you something cool and you actually respond with sincere joy and interest.

I really like the John Lennon Quote,”Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”

Well, it’s true.  You know what else rings, true:

“Life is what happens when you’re stuck behind your smart phone.” - Me.

So, so true. 

YouTube videos FTW!

My new (hopefully) friend Jill has an amazing creative streak in her. Put her together with friends and watch out!

This (last?) year, she starred in a couple of YouTube sensations with a couple of friends. They make me smile. They'll make you smile. Watch them. Love them. Share them. Yes.





They look like they're having so much fun, don't they? Admit it. You're jealous.

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 25

I am thankful for the overwhelming love and support during a difficult time. I love you guys.

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 22

I am thankful for good friends and good food and when the two combine. Happy Thanksgiving Day!

30 days of Thankfulness- Day 11

I am thankful for beautiful weddings for beautiful friends who make beautiful brides. Congrats, Cayla!

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 9

I am thankful for all of the little babies and pregnancy announcements I hear about daily. Babies really are a miracle.

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 3

I am thankful for friends who really care. You know who you are.

Why her candle was lit

On October 15, I noticed a friend had a candle lit on her Facebook wall. If you remember my entry from that day, you were to light a candle in memory of your lost pregnancies and infants. I knew my friend (we'll call her Cassie) was pregnant, due at the end of September with her second child, a boy to be named Ethan. Well, I couldn't remember hearing anything about his birth and neither could Timmy (Timmy works with her husband).

I sent Cassie a private message asking if everything was ok because I knew what the candles stood for because I had one lit as well. This is what she sent back:

"Everything is not ok. I went into labor September 29th and when I got to the hospital they couldn't find Ethan's heartbeat. I delivered him at 5 pm. Our hearts are beyond broken and we are just asking for thoughts and prayers as we try to cope/heal/make sense of this. Thank you for checking in and for any prayers you have to spare."

That's what I was afraid had happened when we didn't hear joyous news of a baby's arrival.


So I'm asking you, as I hold my baby girl extra close, to pray for this family. Hold your kids close and pray for all of the families dealing with similar scenarios. Hold your babies close and pray for all of the families who would desperately love to have a baby to hold.


What else can you do in a time like this?

Selah says buy: Red Stamp iPhone App

I was recently introduced to the free Red Stamp app via Pinterest and I LOVE IT. It's such a cute way to send a quick note or message to somebody, especially personalized thank you notes for gifts for your baby.

The app isn't just for thank you notes. You can also send notes of congratulations or quick hellos. These can be sent electronically (free) or through the mail ($2 for 1, but the price goes down to $1 if you want to send a lot).

I wish I had this when Selah was born for quick thank you notes for meals dropped off or gifts mailed (before I forgot to send them in a timely manner). I'll definitely use this with the next.

Go get it now. You'll love it even if you don't need it for kid's thank you notes. :)

Tonight's (temporary) goodbye

I know she'll only be gone a month, but it still makes me sad to think about how much I'll miss her.

My good friend Jodie is leaving for Senegal Saturday for an entire month and I got to spend some time with her tonight before she leaves. She was born and raised there, so I know she'll feel like she's going home and she's going to have a good time. She gets to see her brother and his family who currently live there and help out with various mission-related things (the entire family is in mission work).

I'm happy for her to have this opportunity. I'm just sad that I lose a friend for a month. But she'll be back. :)

So excited!

Today, one of my bestest friends is coming to see me. Well, she's stopping by with her family after a trip to Kentucky on her way back to Jacksonville. I'm still super excited to see her and her family! She has the cutest(!) kids.

Catharsis

What's on Beth's phone Wednesday was skipped last week because the only picture on my phone was still a surprise and it's being skipped this week because of what I have to type right now.

Warning: This may be TMI for some.

July 2011, I was supposed to become a mother. After trying for several months, we were thrilled to finally see a positive test. I was in disbelief that I would be so lucky to have my dreams of a family with my husband come true. I tested with three different brands of pregnancy tests on three different days, each one quickly showing up positive. I was ecstatic. We planned on telling our family Christmas. By then I would have been about 9 weeks pregnant.

Then disaster struck.

We went down to Jacksonville for a friend's wedding that I was in. I was feeling tired and nauseated and all of the usual pregnancy symptoms, but I was still so happy. I drove the 5-6 hours down while the Timmy tried to sleep in the car after his previous night shift at work. He didn't get much sleep in the car, so I left him at the hotel to get a little bit more sleep while I went to the wedding rehearsal. I think he got a total of maybe 3 hours of sleep that day.

When I got back from the rehearsal, we went out and drove around Jax looking for something to eat. After eating, we went back to the hotel where I immediately went to take a shower so I could have my hair dried before the wedding the next morning. It was about 10:30 pm.

The shower began like a shower should; I washed my hair, conditioned it, the usual. Then all of a sudden, I felt warm liquid between my legs. I reached down and, when I pulled my hand away, my hand was covered in bright red blood. Never a good sign. I panicked a bit, but I, for some reason, went ahead and finished the shower. Towards the end of the shower, I checked again. Still a lot of bright red blood.

I went into the hotel room and told the Timmy what was happening. That's when I burst out crying. I knew what was happening. This wasn't the first time. We debated about whether or not we should go to the ER or not. I am so glad we did, even though it will cost us money we didn't expect to spend.

At the ER, they took blood and urine to prove that I, in fact, was pregnant. Those, of course, tested positive. I was also taken for an ultrasound where they checked things out below. She did an external and measured and looked various places. She said that perhaps I wasn't as far along as we believed. She didn't see anything yet. Then she did an internal and that one hurt. She probed and prodded. She then said, again, that I must not be as far as I thought I was. She didn't see anything. I knew then that it must have already passed, but she just told me that the doctor would go over the sonograms when I got back to the room.

Back in the room, we waited forever. It was by then after 3:00 am. Poor Timmy was running on about 3 hours sleep in about 36 hours. I hadn't had much more than that. We still had a wedding to go to in a few hours. By the time the doctor came in, our hope had dwindled to close to nothing. The doctor said that I was "too early" to know whether it was a miscarriage or just a threatened miscarriage. He couldn't see any cells that could be our baby, so he thought it was too early to know. I think he just didn't know and it was late.

I know by my cycles and my HCG levels that I was no earlier than 5 weeks and no later than 7, closer to 7. By that point, you would see something, if not on the external ultrasound, but definitely the internal. We just promised him that I would go get blood drawn when we got back to SC this week to see if the HCG levels were raising as they should in a normal pregnancy or if they had dropped as they would in a miscarriage. I go in tomorrow, but I know what I'll hear.

The pain from cramps and the blood and tissue that have passed since leave no doubt in my mind. It was definitely a miscarriage. At least the hormone levels will give me an idea of how much further I have to go until this is done.

We went to the wedding. We celebrated with the bride and groom. We spent some time with some of the best friends we have. These people will never know how much those simple interactions meant to me on those following days. It helped me have hope for the future. It helped distract me from the pain I was feeling, emotionally and physically. I love my friends.

We also went to our church's healing service that they have the first monday of every month that just so happened to fall on the monday immediately following our miscarriage. We told the pastor our story and shed more tears. He offered some words of wisdom and prayed a prayer for ease of the sadness and a prayer for help from God to accomplish our goal of a family. I was hard for me to go public with that info in person with anybody other than the Timmy, but Talbot (our pastor) made us feel more at ease. I have yet to cry since that service.

The next morning, we received the most beautiful roses from the church with a note that they were thinking of us and praying for us. Again, those meant more to me than they will ever know.


Many more tears have been shed since Friday, and I'm sure there are many more to go, but the Timmy and I are feeling hopeful. We will just keep trying and praying and keeping God as a presence in every aspect of our life. We will be parents someday.

Even though it's still too fresh to talk about in person or over the phone, any prayers and love will be welcomed. Who in their right mind would ever refuse those?