Honestly? I'm terrified

The question I tend to be getting quite often now that our cat is out of the bag is how am I feeling/ how am I. I usually give the standard "Oh, I'm fine" because, honestly, who really wants to hear when you are feeling awful or even not so hot. Sometimes I will say something like I've been a little nauseated, but it's going away. But in my head is the answer that is so hard to tell people and to explain.

I am terrified. I am terrified that I am screwing things up already. I am terrified that my diabetes will cause problems that this baby did not ask for. I am terrified, that when my blood sugar reads high, I am causing some kind of irreversible birth defect. I am terrified, that when my blood sugar reads low (and it's happening more than I like, to the point that I am no longer recognizing the feeling of a low blood sugar), I am starving my baby's cells and growing body and such from necessary sugars needed for growth and development. I am terrified that I will pass out from one of these horrifying lows and cause harm to the baby and to myself or possibly not even waking up. I am terrified of growing too attached to this baby and then losing it like I lost the last one. I am terrified of potential anger issues causing me to be the type of parent I desperately hope not to become. I am terrified of being a bad mom. I am terrified of being a diabetic mom.

I know most of my fears are similar to the fears every expecting parent has, but this is a time that I wish diabetes wasn't a potential negative factor. I know that I am taking care of myself. I know that I am keeping diabetes as under control as possible. I know that I am listening to the advice of my doctors, nurses and the nutritionist. I know I am going to the OBGYN and the endocrinologist once a month each as recommended. I know that I am doing everything that I can to keep the baby safe, but I'm still terrified.

But, do you know what helps? Knowing that I am not alone. Knowing that all of our family and friends are as excited to welcome this child as we are. Knowing that aunts and uncles and grandparents are making plans for the future including the baby. Knowing that, when all of my current world of fears comes crashing down on my shoulders (and it happens too too often), you guys are there for me. Knowing that this blog is here for me to vent my frustrations and to celebrate my joys and you guys will be there too. Knowing that God truly does answer prayers. Knowing that He heard my tearful prayers for a child before and after the miscarriage. Knowing that He heard (and is hearing) the prayers I have prayed multiple times a day for the past two-three months. Knowing love. That helps.

So, when you ask me how I am, just know, that beneath the smile and jokes, I am terrified. And just know that I need you more than I'll ever let on.

I love you guys.

A new poll

Those of you who feel like voting can now vote for which gender you think baby M will be. If you are viewing this in a reader, you will need to go to the actual page. There is a poll in the left hand column. Vote! Let me know what you think we will be blessed with come Feb/March 2012!

And my heart breaks

This morning, a friend from church lost his grandson when the baby accidentally drowned in his pool. As my facebook blows up with all of the posts about this tragedy, my heart breaks. I wish there was something we could do for them...

This song came to mind. God has certainly broke my heart for what breaks His. Please keep the family in your thoughts and prayers during this extremely hard and difficult time.





Baby K, have fun playing with God and Jesus until your family comes to meet you.

I want to know...

I have so much I want to say, so much that is going on in my mind right now, but I don't want to bore you guys or annoy you. Most of my mind wanderings are baby related (go figure, right?) and I know that topic can very quickly become annoying.

So this is my question for those of you who regularly read: Should I continue to blog about everything that is on my mind (i.e. baby related, diabetes, fears, marriage, etc) like I used to do or should I continue censoring things like I have in the past month or so? If you know me, you probably know that I don't usually censor much unless it may seriously offend someone. Do baby rambles offend you?

Please let me know. Seriously. I love you.

Personality Test- based on images

The Intellectual Hippie

You love to help people, but usually find unconventional and subtle ways of doing it. You're fascinated by what the human mind is capable of creating, and seek the world for moments to enrich your life. You love psychology and philosophy. Your respect for all living beings makes you a humble and likeable person, and the biggest reward is when you get to impart your knowledge to those around you.

• 25% sociable, adventurous, outgoing, energetic
• 75% sympathetic, modest, compliant, forgiving
• 33% efficient, organized, thorough, self-disciplined
• 67% curious, unconventional, imaginative, artistic

Is this me? What do you think? Please take this test and let me know what you get. I think it is super interesting!

http://designbyadrian.com/96pix/

Hearts beating

I had another doctor appointment today to check on me and baby. Things went well and then the doctor told me to lay back  so he could check on the baby's heartbeat. A few of you guys know how nervous I was that there wouldn't be a heartbeat this time and my hopes and dreams would be dashed again. It took everything to bury those thoughts. The doctor took the machine and pressed it to my pelvis. Nothing. He moved it a bit. Still nothing. My fears started rising again. He moved it a bit more and, still, nothing. He then told me that he was going to check one more place and, if he still couldn't find anything, I would go in for an ultrasound to check again. As I stared at the painted ceiling tile, I started saying a little prayer to God and Jesus, asking for a heartbeat to be found. Asking for the baby to still be healthy. I'm surprised I was still able to keep my emotions under control. The doctor checked a little higher than he expected the baby to be at this point.

A heartbeat! A strong, healthy, fast (doctor said it was about 160) heartbeat! Indescribable joy filled my heart. My baby still has a heartbeat and a good one!

When I got in the car, a song was just starting to play and all of those tears I held back, during the fears and then the joys, spilled over.

Etch-a-sketch

Is it a squirrel? A blob? Or.....

A cell phone picture of the u/s... Sorry so fuzzy

 A BABY!!!!!