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Why today is a Happy Mother's Day

You ARE so beautiful to me, baby

Selah is the reason I am a mother this Mother's Day and for that I am thankful.

Oh Selah baby

From the famous Six Until Me's blog:

 I want her to know that she was wanted so much, well before she arrived, and that her parents went to great lengths to make sure her arrival was as safe as they could manage.

I want her to know that those moments when she has to wait while I test or while I bolus or the times when I have to set her in her crib and gulp down grape juice while she stands there, her big eyes staring at me while her mouth tugs into an impatient smile, that I love her and I just need to deal with diabetes for a few seconds so I can be the best mommy I can.

I want her to know that if my eyes don't get better, it's not her fault.  It's not my fault, either.  The fault lies with diabetes.

I want her to know that the reason I'll sometimes frown at a soggy diaper or a voracious pull from the bottle isn't because she's being "bad" or doing something wrong, but because I'm worrying.

I want her to know that just because I have it, and because some of her best buddies have it, doesn't mean that she will have it.  But I also want her to know that if a diagnosis of any kind ever touches her life, we'll manage just fine and take the best care of one another that we can.

I want her to know that when she smiles at me, it's like a thousand online communities inspiring me all at once.  That the hope of her was once the biggest incentive to improve my health, only to be superseded by her arrival in my arms.

I want her to know that regardless of what she may hear about this "diabetes," her mama is going to be just fine. 

This might not all apply (yet), but it's still true. Selah was (and is) so worth it.

The surgery will be needed and within the next month or I'll go blind.

I need to see my children grow up so surgery it is.

3 years later

Three years ago, a pretty special guy asked...

a pretty awkward girl...

to be his wife. She said yes.

They got married.

And three years later, their twosome became a trio.

And they lived happily ever after.

Struggling, but I must write this

Recent events combined with the fact that my eye is much, much worse than when I wrote this is making me just want to cry. And cry, I did. The husband doesn't understand. Other people can't understand. This means more to me than most will understand.

The eye is completely blurry now. I can't even see the computer screen with it, just the light from the monitor. Nighttime vision in the eye is horrible. Without a bright flashlight at night, I can't even go to my daughter's side to help her. I'm constantly dizzy from the uneven vision. I constantly have a headache from it, too. My favorite hobbies, reading and art, have been taken away without the vision. I have a doctor's appointment next week to see if the more serious surgery will help. Hopefully it will.

I'm losing hope. :(

I always said I'd give my right eye to be a mother...

... And I may have.



The night before my scheduled C Section, a blood vessel in my right eye burst. The stress of pregnancy on my type 1 diabetic body was almost too much. It quickly (and by quickly, I mean quickly. It wasn't even there at an eye appointment in September) progressed diabetic retinopathy in my eyes. The retinopathy caused a blood vessel to burst. Retinopathy that shouldn't have happened since I spent my pregnancy with my A1Cs between %.8 and 6.5. I've spent my daughter's entire life without the ability to see her clearly (or even close to it) out of my right eye.

On  March 22nd, I had a procedure involving lasers done to my eye to hopefully fix a good bit of the problem. Thousands of shots from the laser to my eye later, I have lost peripheral in my right eye. I can see light and color, but I can hardly make out specific shapes (One of the reasons I haven't been blogging much recently). Some days are better than others and things are clearer, but it may possibly be permanent. It may get worse. I may go blind sooner than later.


It may make it where I am unable to have more children, due to possible worsening of the condition of my eyes. Children that I want to fill my house with. Sibling(s) for Selah. Children that are in my heart and I'm desperate to someday have in my arms. I pray to God regularly to heal my eyes. I pray to God that I can someday have another child. I even pray to Him using the names we've already picked for #2. I know that He has His plans, but I desperately hope that those plans include baby ES or JD. I was meant to be a mother and I have oh so much more room in my heart for the children yet to be.

But, you know what? If Selah is the only child for me, I would be eternally grateful for that. I'd give my right eye for her over and over if it meant she would be in my life.