Today was a hard day. This holiday season has been hard. I know it could be worse, but it's still hard.
Today, the husband and I went to Target. He left me looking at something while he went to get what we originally went to the store for. When I finished browsing, I walked to where I thought he was looking. I didn't realize I was walking through the baby section until I was halfway in it. That realization caused physical pain. It hurt. I couldn't breathe. I could feel my lungs getting tighter and tighter. I almost had to run out of that section.
Today we also received a belated thank you card from a wedding we went to in July/ August. They told us in September that they were having a baby. We told them December 3 that we were. We then had to tell them that same weekend that we lost our baby. This thank you card had a unnecessary line in it about using our gift (an engraved bottle of liquor) to "toast their little one when it arrives". Is it just me being sensitive or was that a really low blow? They both knew we lost our baby. This card was written after we told them. I feel that line really wasn't necessary to thanking us for our gift. Needless to say, it hurt.
This holiday season has been hard. We were planning on using our gifts and cards this year to tell our family and friends that we were expecting. Now we can't. I just don't feel like going out to the stores to find the remaining gifts for people when I know why I have to do it in the first place. Plus I keep seeing and hearing reminders of what happened. Even my favorite type of music, Christmas Carols, reminds me of what we no longer have. I just have to keep reminding myself that the little newborn baby these songs are singing about is why I am who I am and where I am today. That little baby is the savior who died for my sins.
But, even so, it's tough.