Thursday, December 16, 2010

When will the hard days get easier?

Today was a hard day. This holiday season has been hard. I know it could be worse, but it's still hard.

Today, the husband and I went to Target. He left me looking at something while he went to get what we originally went to the store for. When I finished browsing, I walked to where I thought he was looking. I didn't realize I was walking through the baby section until I was halfway in it. That realization caused physical pain. It hurt. I couldn't breathe. I could feel my lungs getting tighter and tighter. I almost had to run out of that section.

Today we also received a belated thank you card from a wedding we went to in July/ August. They told us in September that they were having a baby. We told them December 3 that we were. We then had to tell them that same weekend that we lost our baby. This thank you card had a unnecessary line in it about using our gift (an engraved bottle of liquor) to "toast their little one when it arrives". Is it just me being sensitive or was that a really low blow? They both knew we lost our baby. This card was written after we told them. I feel that line really wasn't necessary to thanking us for our gift. Needless to say, it hurt.

This holiday season has been hard. We were planning on using our gifts and cards this year to tell our family and friends that we were expecting. Now we can't. I just don't feel like going out to the stores to find the remaining gifts for people when I know why I have to do it in the first place. Plus I keep seeing and hearing reminders of what happened. Even my favorite type of music, Christmas Carols, reminds me of what we no longer have. I just have to keep reminding myself that the little newborn baby these songs are singing about is why I am who I am and where I am today. That little baby is the savior who died for my sins.

But, even so, it's tough.


  1. While I don't know your pain, my heart goes out to you during this difficult time. ((hugs))

  2. I never lost a baby but I know with all my heart what it fills like to want a baby and ache with despair for one. I used to question God why he was giving all these people around me babies that they weren't ready for and sometimes weren't wanted, and forgetting me. It was year 6 out of 8 that I got my answer. On Mother's Day one year(yes those days hurt)I got a handwrtten Mothers Day card from one of the youth girls that I had counseled and loved on for a couple of years. It simply said, Thanks for being a mom to me, I don't know how I would have made it without you. I know in my heart that I would not have joined the youth group if I had had a baby when I wanted. I also know that all the times I wanted to quit and didn't were justified in that simple card. God has a plan for you and Tim. Don't give up and know that everytime you see a baby or go to a baby shower that God's plan for you is going to blow you out of the water. The things he will accomplish through you will be so great that waiting for your blessing will seem so trivial. I love you girl and I am so proud of you.