The question I tend to be getting quite often now that our cat is out of the bag is how am I feeling/ how am I. I usually give the standard "Oh, I'm fine" because, honestly, who really wants to hear when you are feeling awful or even not so hot. Sometimes I will say something like I've been a little nauseated, but it's going away. But in my head is the answer that is so hard to tell people and to explain.
I am terrified. I am terrified that I am screwing things up already. I am terrified that my diabetes will cause problems that this baby did not ask for. I am terrified, that when my blood sugar reads high, I am causing some kind of irreversible birth defect. I am terrified, that when my blood sugar reads low (and it's happening more than I like, to the point that I am no longer recognizing the feeling of a low blood sugar), I am starving my baby's cells and growing body and such from necessary sugars needed for growth and development. I am terrified that I will pass out from one of these horrifying lows and cause harm to the baby and to myself or possibly not even waking up. I am terrified of growing too attached to this baby and then losing it like I lost the last one. I am terrified of potential anger issues causing me to be the type of parent I desperately hope not to become. I am terrified of being a bad mom. I am terrified of being a diabetic mom.
I know most of my fears are similar to the fears every expecting parent has, but this is a time that I wish diabetes wasn't a potential negative factor. I know that I am taking care of myself. I know that I am keeping diabetes as under control as possible. I know that I am listening to the advice of my doctors, nurses and the nutritionist. I know I am going to the OBGYN and the endocrinologist once a month each as recommended. I know that I am doing everything that I can to keep the baby safe, but I'm still terrified.
But, do you know what helps? Knowing that I am not alone. Knowing that all of our family and friends are as excited to welcome this child as we are. Knowing that aunts and uncles and grandparents are making plans for the future including the baby. Knowing that, when all of my current world of fears comes crashing down on my shoulders (and it happens too too often), you guys are there for me. Knowing that this blog is here for me to vent my frustrations and to celebrate my joys and you guys will be there too. Knowing that God truly does answer prayers. Knowing that He heard my tearful prayers for a child before and after the miscarriage. Knowing that He heard (and is hearing) the prayers I have prayed multiple times a day for the past two-three months. Knowing love. That helps.
So, when you ask me how I am, just know, that beneath the smile and jokes, I am terrified. And just know that I need you more than I'll ever let on.
I love you guys.