Saturday, January 12, 2013

Still feeling it

A few days ago, I took down our Christmas tree. While taking it down, I remembered putting it up and some of the thoughts I had. Why did they stick in my head? I was still pregnant.

Now? I am not. And I'm expected to be "over" it.

You may be thinking that I don't have to be over it. I'm allowed to still feel the pain of our loss. Our THIRD loss. But you (in general) don't allow me. You don't tell me that to my face. You don't ask me how I am in regards to not being pregnant now or mention the babies that weren't. You don't allow me to cry anymore.

T doesn't. When I mentioned to him that I was pregnant while putting up our Christmas things but not while taking it down, he asked me why it even mattered. He told me that I didn't need to dwell on things like that, to think about things like that.

But I do. I do think about them. I don't know how not to. This last baby was part of me for, what? Three months? Known about for 2? That was my baby. It was my body that couldn't sustain it. It was my body that held the baby after the heart stopped beating. It was my body that felt the pains of 'labor' as I miscarried Thanksgiving evening. It was my body that was operated on the day after Thanksgiving to remove whatever was left. How could I NOT think about it?

People every where we go mention how cute Selah is, which leads to them saying that they (or somebody they know) have a baby close to her age with their second due a few months later. So should we, but we don't. Not any more. People ask if she is our first. When we say yes, if they have more than one, they say to enjoy it because two kids are so much work. Two babies are such a handful. How about this? Less complaining about that and more enjoying it. Or, perhaps, just don't mention it to me right now. Especially if you know what happened. I know this. I WANT this, but it was ripped from me. Can you understand it? I couldn't before, but now I do.

So, if you ask me how I am just as a mere courtesy, I will answer fine. If you ask me out of concern, I will, more than likely, answer fine as well, but look into my eyes. Listen to how I say it. I am not fine, but I'm not allowed to admit it to anyone. Not even my husband.


  1. Don't let anyone make you feel badly for grieving. As humans, we were never designed to experience death and loss; those things came about as a result of sin- after the fall of man. Grieving is a natural response to what God never intended to be natural (death). Furthermore, it reveals a heart of love, because you cannot grieve if love never existed in the first place. Everyone grieves and copes in their own way and in their own time- including you, and including your husband. Take your time, and don't let others tell you otherwise. LYMI


  2. I liked what you said about people saying you don't have to be over it, but yet not allowing you to not be over it. It's more convenient for others for you to be "fine", even when you're not.
    I know nothing of what you're going through so I am not sure what to say. Just wanted you to know I was reading and touched by what you wrote.

  3. It's crazy, isn't it...? I'm thinking about the numbers... if roughly 15% of (known) pregnancies end in miscarriage, there are a lot of people carrying around this pain. So I wonder if... when people "need" and expect you to be okay, they're projecting that onto themselves. Does that make sense? Like "I stuffed my pain down... I don't share it... you should be as strong. Because I denied it and now I'm fine. Stop talking about it or I won't still be fine." When they're really not fine. YOU'll be fine... because you acknowledge it and work through it. They're probably not fine, or won't be for long. And "fine" doesn't necessarily mean "over it"... because you don't get over losing children. It just means you have the strength to go on and the optimism and (SF's middle name) to try again. Or not. Either way. :-) <3 you!

  4. oh hon, I am so sorry, and I know thre are no words, but us mamas know- hugs to you- I know it is painful.