Monday, May 23, 2011

*sigh*

It's hard to explain the last post without sounding like a heartless wench. A few things have happened so close together this weekend.

Let me start this by saying, I AM happy for everyone involved. It's just me. I am the broken one.

 I've even tried explain my feelings to the Timmy, but he says "it's been long enough". I "should be over it". It's not like I've been "oppressed". It makes me think that I really am the broken one. I should (always) be over it. Many people in the world DO have it worse than I do. But I still feel like this, and this weekend didn't help.

I saw a pregnant acquaintance Sunday that I've been avoiding and forced myself to make conversation. Sure, I could have avoided more or not even make conversation, but that's not who I want to be. She hasn't done anything to me and I genuinely want to be happy and excited for her. I am, but still. It hurts to see that when they weren't even trying.

But that wasn't the hardest part of my weekend.

I wrote a letter to someone in September. She has hurt me. She has said mean things to me. She has rubbed my face in what that letter was about, even after our loss. This was a big weekend for her, for them. And I am so happy that everything worked out for them and things went extremely well. I truly am. But, now I know for a fact, in a month, I'll be forced to see them and be around them and fake being happy, all while shattering inside. Again, T doesn't understand. He just doesn't understand and doesn't want to even try.

But that's not the hardest part of the weekend.

You long time readers know that I was in my friend's wedding in Florida the same weekend as our miscarriage. This is the same friend mentioned here and here. Well, she just got her wedding pictures back. They are now posted on facebook and the picture of me entering the ceremony, the morning after our night in the ER, learning we were more than likely having a miscarriage if it hadn't already happened at that point, well, that picture is tagged. Now I have to see a picture of myself during one of the hardest times in my life when I log on to facebook. The only way for me to untag myself is to go directly to the picture to do it and I just can't. I can't even look at the pictures from that weekend without bursting out in tears. I don't want to be like that about the wedding pictures of one of my best friend's happiest day. It's not her fault that it was also the saddest day of my life (so far).

That was the hardest part.

So all of this, plus remembering and knowing that I should be freaking huge by now because of a baby (and not because of food). If this is how hard it is right now, July will more than likely be unimaginably horrible. :(

So like I said before, prayers and good thoughts sent my way are (always) welcome.


*Positive things coming to this blog next*



UPDATE: Facebook officially deactivated. I just can't do it. Esp. after the husband just posted a status about one of the things I posted about above while at work! He doesn't even reply to important things I have to say and ask him while he's at work or ask me how I'm feeling if I'm feeling horrendously while he is there. But he can somehow post that. and it's not even a child that is related to him! He didn't even do that when his OWN NIECE was born, yet he posted about this baby while he is AT WORK. He even knew how upset I have been about this from the beginning. Whatever. Facebook is gone. For how long? I don't know. Contact me on here or through email (harper.elisabeth(at)gmail(dot)com) if you need me. In person or through phone also works.

8 comments:

  1. Hi! I just discovered you as a new follower (and will follow back as soon as I finish this comment!)... it looks like we have an awful lot in common. I will be praying for you... I understand allll too well.

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  2. Hi Katie! I found you through Texting My Pancreas and thought the same thing. We do seem to have a lot in common (fortunately/unfortunately). Let me know if you ever want to chat or whatever people do these days. harper.elisabeth @ gmail.com

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  3. facebook is so evil. I find it brings too many feelings. Take all the time you need. I can't understand how you feel, but you deserve all the time you need to heal. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  4. OY...I haven't been following for very long Beth. Just enough to know how painful the photos must be. I am sorry that you are going through these emotions and through this grief. Time can be so excruciatingly painful when you are enduring it while waiting out the grief.

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  5. Beth, I can't imagine how you are feeling! (And hope I'm not one of those you hate to hear from in regards to the kiddos.) I will certainly pray for you and for T also that things may go well and you'll have your own little blessing soon! I understand about Facebook....sometimes it's just too much!

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  6. Beth, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Your post is heartbreaking, and my prayers are with you. I've recently tried to be a little more selfish with my life. You have to do whatever makes life easier for YOU. Don't worry about everyone else's feelings before your own. Put yourself first and allow time to heal. Those that love you should understand. Cyber hugs to you.

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  7. Thanks you guys!

    I am happy for everyone who has children and I love those special kids in my life more than they will ever know. I just wish I had my own (sometimes I'd prefer that to be sooner rather than later).

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