Merry Christmas!

Our 2013 Christmas card (front)

The Muppets!

What is holly?

Have a great Christmas, yo.

Psalm 150

Always praise Him. No matter what.


God is good. ALL the time.

As found on internet

disneyhasthephonebox:

Currently in Florida:

Everywhere else:

People from FL not in FL right now:

We are currently the bottom one. Yuck.

I have a special place in my heart for little drummer boys

This video plus Selah's new (favorite) book.

God's Grace is with me every step of the way

Today is one of my many baby loss anniversaries. Though I did go on to become a mother thanks to Selah, memories of this day will always be with me. It doesn't help that history keeps repeating itself.

I still remember you, little one.

Thankful? Yes, but...

I made it to a few moments ago until my emotions about this day came through. I'm thankful for all that I do have. I am thankful for my health. I am thankful for my wonderful husband. I am especially thank for my little girl. 

But. 

I am still hurting. I am hurting on this day of days for what I no longer have. I am hurting for my three consecutive years pregnant on this holiday with only one child to show for it. I am hurting that I am not (still or again) pregnant this holiday as well (that I know of). I am hurting that I can't do more for all of those babies out there who do not have on this day. 

Why can't I have arms as full as the love I have in my heart for all of those babies out there in this world and those no longer in it?

One thing I do know, we are extremely thankful for this little girl. 

A year later...

A year ago today (well, tonight), I was losing my fourth pregnancy (third lost baby). I remember. I'll always remember. My heart is breaking. This whole week has been spent with reminders, painful, sad reminders, of that lost baby.

Will this ever get easier?

Accents

What American accent do you have?

Your Result: The Inland North

 

You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?"  Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."

 

The Northeast

 

Philadelphia

 

The Midland

 

The South

 

Boston

 

The West

 

North Central

What American accent do you have?

I've never lived further north than I do now. I live near Charlotte. How do I have an Inland Northern accent?

What about you?

4

Four years! It feels like it was just yesterday.

Best 4 years of my life.

This is what I need to watch when I doubt myself as a SAHM

Got your kleenex?


That last line gets me.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2013

Elias

Grace

Joy

Hope

I always remember my lost babies, all of them. And I will forever. 

I am 1 in 4.

Strong

I'm not strong.

Well, maybe I should rephrase that. I'm not strong enough.

All of this pertains to my last [real] post.

More announcements. Yes, more joy, but also more heartache for me. Why did this have to go wrong for us? Why again?

I feel left out. This is something I want more than anyone can imagine, yet it's something that I can't easily obtain. Especially not something that the majority of my friends have now obtained without issue. But you know what? I wouldn't wish these internal struggles on my worst enemy, let alone a friend.

I've been lapped. Hopefully, I'll catch up soon, but I've been without much hope recently. Really, why should I expect things to go well for us (and easy. My pregnancy with Selah wasn't easy.)? They haven't so far.

But, like I said, I'm not strong enough to handle another announcement by myself, even if I know about it ahead of time.

What does the fox say?

Still doggie paddling, still swimming, barely

Sorry to ignore you guys out there in blogland. I've been dealing with some stuff emotionally that I thought I should keep off of here, but, you know what? This is my space. I'll write about it. Sorry I'm not sorry about this rant.

My husband left for a mission trip to Haiti the day after my latest D&E. It was already planned for him to go so I made the decision for him to still plan on going. He was gone only a week, but still. I needed him. I needed someone and I was left alone. I was left alone with my thoughts, my doubts, my questions, my fears, my pain (physically and emotionally), all of it. It was much tougher than I thought and I really had nobody. Yes. A few friends did make plans for lunch or they sent me a text or two, but I was alone with those dangerous thoughts. I'm not sure how they didn't drive me crazy. 

While he was gone, the moment after I shared with a friend about our loss, she announced that she was pregnant and complained about it. Talk about a slap across the face, especially since she knows my pain and has gone through it before herself. Something else to add to my pain.*

Then another old friend announced she was pregnant on Facebook. Congrats! Really! But do you have to complain every status update about the tiredness and nausea? I would die for it. I wish I was still tired and nauseated due to a baby like I was until days after the surgery.

And this morning. A friend (who may or may not read this. I'm not sure.) posted a somewhat cryptic Facebook status about being at the dr. That plus her incessant Pinterest postings on a board labeled 'baby #2' led me to ask her in a message if she was pregnant. Yup. She is. And I'm so thankful that she just said she was shocked, instead of adding the whole 'we weren't even trying' part I know was there. I even told her that. She knows. She understands. 

All of the recent announcements have put me in a dark place mentally. It has me wondering if I did something wrong. Why can't I have another healthy pregnancy? Am I just being greedy because I DO have Selah? Should I just be happy with what I have and just get over what I have lost? I've lost four babies (that I know of). That's four too many. And how many more will I lose before I get it through my mind? Should I just give up? 

Ugh. I just can't handle anymore pregnancy announcements right now. It's to the point of not RSVPing to a birthday party for a good friend because I'm afraid of another announcement in person, in my face, though I really don't have a reason to think that. Just my fears. 

Speaking of fears, I need to get over the one I have of leaving Selah with a babysitter. I figured out why I have it. I've lost so many babies so far that I'm afraid that if Selah is left with someone who is not me or my husband or someone who loves us and Selah to the moon and back (that's you, mom) that she will be lost as well. I just couldn't handle that. When someone tries to help me by taking her off my hands for a moments by even walking in a different room with her, I have trouble. We did leave her with family while we were in Texas a few months ago briefly to run an errand and my stomach was in my throat the whole time. Never have we been somewhere for fun and relaxation together since she was born. We haven't been on a date, just the two of us, in a year and a half. We need to. I need to get over my fear. I'm working on it. I promise.

Thanks for letting me get stuff off my chest. I've been working through issues within my own head for the past month and I need to voice them even without response. By writing them down, I can start to work them out. Hopefully.

*Don't get me wrong. I am happy and excited for them. Every baby is a miracle. Every baby deserves to be wanted and to be celebrated. Some of my responses are my way of protecting myself.

Day of Hope

Today is a national Day of Hope, a day set aside to celebrate and remember ALL babies, primarily those lost before they could be born. I will always remember my four lost babies, especially when I look into their sister's face. 

But, when I should've lost all hope, I have gained it instead.

"Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."

I'm not strong enough

We will hold you one day

I'm tired of writing posts like these

Tomorrow, I go into surgery. It's another D&E for my 4th miscarriage. 

Currently, I am 9.5 weeks pregnant (was due March 4 [Selah's original due date!]). At ultrasound a few days ago, sack measured 7.5 weeks, but baby only measured 6 weeks. My dates are correct. I am positive. No longer had a heartbeat. This baby failed to continue growing properly. 

Again.

So, yeah. D&E tomorrow. Same deal as November. I'll go into surgery with (misguided) hopes still in mind and I'll wakeup without that hope. 

I'm tired, emotionally and physically, of this. So tired. 

Selah really was my miracle child.

RIP Old Computer

If you've been wondering where I am, just know that I'm alive and well. However, my computer can't say the same thing. Let's just say this: the blue screen of death came and I was lucky to put the old guy on life support long enough to rescue the last year's worth of my pictures of Selah. I don't know what I'd do if I had lost those...

I'm trying to get used to using our desktop for my computing needs such as blogging (fb, twitter and Pinterest are safe since I do those on my phone anyways), but it's hard to sit down in front of it while Selah wrangling. I'll try to update using this Blogger App to keep you guys up to speed while I work on my latest project: a movie/video done on my iPhone. :)

I can do it. I know I can!

This is how I feel about cooking

Beauty can even be found in the most unexpected places

Be Happy Challenge: Something I'm Proud Of

Already wrapped around our fingers before she even left the hospital

Despite the odds, despite my history, I have a beautiful HEALTHY baby girl. That's something to be pretty damn proud about.

Be Happy Challenge: Note to Someone

Hey not-quite-a-baby Baby Girl.

You, my dear one, amaze me every day. Where has the time gone? Almost 16 months have passed since we held you in our arms for the first time and almost TWO YEARS since we learned you were joining our family. 

You somehow possess most of your daddy's good traits and a couple of mine, as well as a few not so good traits (Stubbornness. Hello?). You've taken over our house with your smiles, your laughter, your chaos, your kisses and your toys, and I wouldn't have it any other way! You are saying more understandable words and phrases every day. You walk as slow as a turtle, unless I'm trying to grab you and then, boy, can you run!

Strange little one, you don't seem to like most convenience foods to the misfortune of your mother who cannot cook. I've recently discovered you like spaghetti-O's (Annies brand) though. You also like fish, both the kind that swims in the ocean and the kind made out of cheese. One day, you were given a choice between mac and cheese and jambalaya and you chose the spicy jambalaya. Perhaps you take after me more than I realize!

I could go on and on about your fabulousness because, girlfriend, you are. You are wonderful. You are fabulous. You are smart. You are beautiful.

And I am so lucky you call ME(!) 'Maa-maaa'.

I love you, bunny. I sure do.

Mama

Be Happy Challenge: Three Things I Love about Summertime

1. I love love LOVE the heat.

2. I love not having to wear sleeves and pants and jackets and socks and shoes. They make me feel claustrophobic.

3. I love taking the little outside to discover new things and new places. :)

Be Happy Challenge: My best feature, shown off in a photo

Honestly, I don't know what my best feature is. I also don't think all features can be shown off in a photo.

Still, I'll give it a shot.

 

 

 

Notice a trend*?

*I also noticed that several of my friends and family members do this as well. Strange. ;)

Be Happy Challenge: Pick a Pin, Do it and Share

 

Not difficult and it tasted pretty good, but the cool whip didn't want to stick. It may have tasted good, but it wasn't the prettiest when I did it.

I would advise not carrying this in a warm car to a picnic in the hot sunshine. Refrigeration seems to be handy.

Be Happy Challenge: Something Sweet

This little waterbaby is certainly sweet.

Be Happy Challenge: Three Songs That Put Me in a Good Mood

Of course this one:



Or the original (clean) version. Whatev.


How about my song for my girl:




And this one will always put a smile on my face because of this special guy I know (and I also happened to marry):

Be Happy Challenge: Book You Love and Recommend

Cliche answer: The B-I-B-L-E, that's the one for me. I stand upon the word of God. The B-I-B-L-E. 

My non-cliched answer: Harry Potter! Hunger Games! 

Be Happy Challenge: Favorite Recipe

This is my current favorite recipe.  I found this seriously super easy quiche a bit back, courtesy of Cat. 

Be Happy Challenge: Random Act of kindness

This is yesterday's post. Sorry I'm laying posting it. 

I'd prefer not to talk about whatever random acts of kindness that I've done. If I talk about them, then that kind of takes away from the act and puts attention on me. It's not about how good I am or I'm not. 

But I would like to encourage all of you to go out there (or even stay home and do it) and randomly do something kind for someone else.

Be Happy Challenge: Goal I'm Working Towards

I'm currently working on keeping a lower a1c so i can have a healthy pregnancy (preferably sooner than later).

Be Happy Challenge: Something I'm embarassed to love

This one is another easy one.

A TV show that I'm super embarrassed to love as much as I do: any of the Duggar's reality shows.

I have no idea how they do it. Those kids have manners and they respect each other and others. They impress me.

They actually came to Charlotte a couple of weekends ago, but I didn't know until I had already promised somebody that I'd help them out. Next time, though.

Happy birthday, Lauren!

My niece is FIVE today! I just can't believe it.

Lauren is the best big cousin I've ever seen. You can seriously see how much she loves "baby Selah". When we saw her just a few weeks ago, she wanted Selah to have whatever she had. No refusal to share toys/food/treats/attention/space with a little one much younger than her. No jealousy. It's pretty obvious that I'm not the only one who thinks she's the best. Selah agrees.

Picture of the girls together. Hard to stop them from playing.

I heard this song recently and it made me think of you, my dear.



Always be yourself
But if you can be a unicorn
Always be a unicorn

Happy 5th birthday, Lauren Olivia! Aunt Beth loves you so, so much.

Be Happy Challenge: Top 3 things that will instantly make my day

1. Coffee. Bring me a cup of my favorite (iced caramel coffee, yo) or join me for a cup.

2. Conversation. Talk to me. I spend the majority of my time with a 15mo who has horrible conversational skills. So far.

3. Notes. In the mail. In email. Via text. on facebook/twitter. Whatever. I like to know that I've being thought of.

Be Happy Challenge: Something that makes me awesome.

Everything. I am just that awesome.

Seriously, though. I don't know. I really don't know. I doubt most things I've done that could be somewhat awesome. My self-esteem, while some think it's good, is horrible.

Be Happy Challenge: Favorite Photo of me that I've taken

You guys have seen this picture before, but I still love it.

Me and my girl

Be Happy Challenge: Something you are looking forward to

I don't really have anything in particular that I'm looking forward to. I'm pretty happy with where I am in life right now (with one exception).

Edit: But wait! I did just think of something I'm looking forward to! Seeing Meg this weekend!

Bloglovin'

Unfortunately, Google Reader will be gone in a couple of weeks, forcing me to change readers. If you've had to change readers, check out bloglovin' and follow me on there as well!

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Be Happy Challenge: What's in your purse

I'd show a picture, but I'm in the process of paring down from diaper bag to regular purse. In my "purse" right now, I have money, Id, chap stick, low blood sugar treatments, my blood sugar tester, strips, kleenex, trash, gum and sunglasses. I also have (for Selah*) sunglasses, hat, lysol wipes, baby sling... uh... other stuff. I'm not 100% sure what I have in there anymore and I don't really want to check. Sorry.

*Selah also has her own mini bee backpack with diapers, wipes, snacks, extra outfit, book, sippy cup cord... I think that's it.

Be Happy Challenge: Favorite Color

My favorite colors are golden yellow and a shade of turquoise similar to the one in the picture:

Does it really surprise anybody that those are the colors that decorate my baby's room? (Her curtains are yellow.)

Be Happy Challenge: My handwriting

My handwriting from the inside of T's Father's Day card this year. 

I hope he's not reading this...

Be Happy Challenge: 10 on 10

I'm doing this prompt a little differently because of doing this:

It's VBS week! Note that this was a picture towards the end of pickup. I was the sole adult with 10 3yos and 2 12/13yo 'helpers'.

So I, instead, took a picture at 10:10pm on the 10th. This is what my post-VBS evening looked like:

Some tv with the husband and two sleeping dogs. He stayed with SF while I was at the church, so T had bedtime duty tonight (hence the mess).

Be Happy Challenge: Favorite quote or saying

Today's prompt is super easy.

William Shakespeare - "Though she be but little, she is fierce!"

That's my girl!

Be Happy Challenge: Your top 3 favorite blogs to read and why

My top 3 favorite blogs (in no particular order) are:

Lost and Not Found- I know the blog author IRL (somewhat. It's my goal this year to become her friend offline. You hear that, Jill?). She's hilarious. Her vahhhh-looogggggggs are extremely entertaining. More reasons, but I don't want to seem creepy since she may be reading this.

Always, Katie- A fabulously talented lady that I am privileged to know in real life. Blogs about crafts, handmade beaded jewelry, a adorable dogson named Charley and the quest to have a baby as a type 1 diabetic with PCOS. And I seriously hope that last quest happens sooner than later.

Swistle- A baby naming blog. No. I'm not pregnant. Yes. I am a name nerd. I love love love seeing people's thought processes for naming their kids (or pets. whatever.) and the final choices.

This is just a random three. I do have some I love to read more (people I know in real life), but I won't publicize their blogs due to requests for confidentiality.

Be Happy Challenge: If I could have one superpower...

If I could have one super power, I'd probably enjoy having the power to help people obtain their deepest (innocent) desire. You want a good job in your ideal location? Done. New home? Done. Baby? Get ready. More time with a loved one? Done. A cure for ___? Done. Bills paid for? Done.

I know it could backfire, but I'd hope it could make a difference.

Missing this "Due Date"

My baby was never born so I don't know if it qualifies as having died, but I will protect it's memory none the less.

I wish I could be meeting you, seeing your face and holding you in my arms for the first time this week, little one, but I will have to wait until we meet in heaven some day. Enjoy the warmth of your grandfather's arms and our Father's love, my dear.

Be Happy Challenge: Three Ways to win my heart

Ways to win my heart

1. Love my baby without abandon (but not in a creepy way)

2. Humor my coffee addiction (3 stars left until gold!)

3. Be kind and laugh without fear (Yes. I do understand that's technically two.)

Be Happy Challenge: Home

Home.

First thing that comes to mind when I hear that word is the place I live.

Old picture from when we moved in

But, really, home is much more than that. Home is where you kick your shoes off at the end of the day. Home is where you tuck yourself and your family in at night. Home is where you bring your new baby for the first time.

 Home is where you make dinner to the soundtrack of a TV blaring, music playing, dogs barking and babies jabbering. Home is where your once decently decorated home becomes overrun by toys (Pet, baby or spouses). Home is where friends come when they need to getaway. Home is where tiny puppies experience snow for the first time.

Not so tiny here

Home is more than just the roof over your head. Home is the place where your memories are made. It may not always be neat and tidy (especially if you have a baby or a pet), but it's yours.

Welcome to a small glimpse of my home.

So true

This video is too true. It's kinda sad. And funny.

Enjoy!

Be Happy Challenge: Something/Someone who makes me happy

Easy.

This guy and this girl:

Be Happy Challenge: What [I] wore, in detail

Today was a somewhat lazy day with a VBS training/meeting this evening so my outfit was a little plain.

Shirt(s): Light green Old Navy Henley(?) Tee
            White tank top under above tshirt (from....? Target? Probably.)

Jeans from Target from forever ago

Black and silver Reef flip flops (of course)

Tiffany's Cross necklace

No pictures because I'm no fashion blogger for a reason.

Be Happy Challenge: Morning Routine

My mornings are usually the same and that same is also boring. But, hey, that's my life. :)

-Wake up
   -If Selah is awake, go to next thing.
   -If Selah is not awake, then I will mess around on my iPhone for a bit. You know, checking emails, blogs, etc.
-When Selah is awake, I start making her breakfast (it's often mini pancakes and/or fruit) and get her milk sippy cup ready (including vitamins).
-Let Ellie out and feed the dogs.
-Go upstairs and rescue Selah from her crib.
-Change diaper and pick out her clothes for the day.
-Make up her crib.
-Bring Selah down and place in highchair with breakfast.
-Let Ellie in if she is barking.
-Go get dressed for the day
-Do various chores while Selah sings to her breakfast.
-Once she is done, I wipe her down and get her dressed for the day.
-Clean up highchair because you know girlfriend has made a mess.
-Play, clean, play, repeat :)

Our (average) mornings aren't fancy but they are exactly what I want to be doing.

29

Today is my birthday! I like to say that this is my 1st 29th birthday since I may be celebrating my 29th for a few years. ;)

Me through the years (minus those awkward preteen and teen years since I don't have any of those pictures easily accessible):

29 years ago!

We still have this outfit for Selah to wear!

This shot shouldn't surprise anybody.